Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   If you're going to have two faces, you'd think you'd make one of them attractive

   I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"? Damn firemen.

   The reason I watch crime documentaries on drug smugglers is to look for new ways to sneak a bag of Doritos into the house.

   Disrespect: Giving someone half the peace sign without suggesting they are number one

   The reason you can't fool all of the people all of the time is because half of them are women.

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

   Happy 234th Birthday,America! :)

   Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.

   Sunday marks the birth of America, which Americans celebrate by combining their love of drinking with their love of explosives.

   I tried saying no to vodka, but it was 40% stronger than me.

   Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends

   Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, ‘What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'

   Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.

   The FDA says that airline food is often prepared in unsafe and unsanitary conditions. Otherwise known as "airplanes".

   I like "glass half full" type of people. Unless they're working behind the bar.

   My car talks. It says things like "your door is ajar", but never anything really helpful like, "there's a trooper hiding in the bushes."

   My dog hired a Person Whisperer. So now I'm driving home with 87,000 chew toys and I don't know why

   Just a guess, but I'm suspecting if the Cancer Society held drinkathons instead of walkathons, we'd have a cure by now

   A smile is a sign of joy. A hug is a sign of love. A laugh is a sign of happiness. And a friend like me…Sh*t, that's just a sign of good taste!!

   Why did the chicken cross the road? It was trying to get a signal on it's IPhone 4.