andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Sure, soccer is the worst thing ever but at least when some smug idiot tries to tell you "it's football" you can punch him without remorse.

   When police announce they've captured a "ringleader", I imagine a festive, circus-themed crime syndicate. Because I'm delightful.

   Dogs are tough. I’ve been interrogating this one for hours and he still won’t tell me who is a good boy

   I’ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason.

   Why are there no Knock Knock jokes about America? Because Freedom rings.

   There's no place like home. Unless you're a bee, in which case home is a terrible place filled with bees.

   Just saw the fattest Dalmation ever. It was huge & had these teats that were almost touching the ground & it made a weird bark, like "moo"

   f your cat really loved you it would be a dog.

   "I like soccer!" -- Someone who's either lying, trying to tick off their parents, or has given up on life.

   "Cagefree" eggs means they've never been forced to watch every Nicolas cage movie he's made right?

   My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.

   If your shirt isn’t tucked into your pants, then your pants are tucked into your shirt.

   The only time the word incorrectly isn't spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.

   Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.

   One thing that people may not know about me is that I'm very passionate about not getting beaten to death with fireplace tools.

   There's no more dangerous entity on earth than a woman with a lot on her mind and nothing to do but think.

   I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.

   I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it before.

   I would be totally into cosplay if it meant dressing up and pretending to be bill cosby.

   today I screwed in a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked in to a bar ...my life is a joke