jitney Funny Status Messages

   When are they gonna start smoking marijuana?

   Since I'm sleeping on the couch, Switced my wife's alka seltzer water with red bull and 2 laxative pills!!! Her shittz going to fly!

   Well Skittles Stock just took a plunge, again!!

   "Didn't realize their was alot of great looking women around here!" - Me hanging out at traffic school1

   I guess I have to set my phone on OKC mode this weekend........No Rings!

   Please stop saying "My Valentine is my child." or "Jesus is my Valentine." Unfortunately, they don't count as real Valentine's.

   Buying someone $1 lottery ticket as a gift and tell them ..."but what if you win".... and look at them light up, while hiding the fact giving them a dollar says they are not worth it!

   These days alot of celebrities are getting divorces. Micheal Jordan just got married, I wonder when the new Air Divorces are comming out?

   Eggs hide themselves when I tell them Chuck Norrris is coming!

   I wonder if Joan Rivers is an organ donor or a mannequin donor? ....

   She said: "I miss the old you." I know that she meant the young me

   Just like the Government....I feel shut-down when my wife talks too much too....

   I had a pet hamster, my idiot brother put a sweater over it and next thing I know, Bam!!! dammm hamster is making millions and rap videos for KIA in my old hoodie!!! Can you imagine what this dog and cat are thinking.....

   Im sitting on the bus minding my own business, until I pull out my Ipad...Long story short, I have 20 extra friends playing candy crush with me now!

   Maybe I should come out with my own sex scandal.....Elmo, Patreaus, Penn State, Arnold, Tiger, Clinton.

   Its like the Mayans knew this was coming........CIA has been compromise, No mo tickle me Elmo, and Slena went Str8 again

   I dont know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future....

   Can someone tell me when Santa is coming? He forgot some of the stuff I asked for

   I was in the elevator.... I pressed number 1. The elevator said with an attitude: "You're going down." F#¥k you Otis

   Did the kid who was voted most likely to succeed back in high school...succeeded yet?