Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If you watch Godzilla vs King Kong backwards it's about two monsters who forget their differences and build a city.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
←Rate | 08-27-2019 04:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It only took three years but I finally finished eating that box of taquitos from Costco.
←Rate | 09-23-2019 06:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
←Rate | 09-25-2019 16:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on tomorrow she'll think she lost weight.
←Rate | 09-25-2019 21:59 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on this morning she'll think she lost weight.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 10:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast? Applicant: I'll get you an answer in about a week. Manager: Brilliant! You're hired.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Laughs, joy, rainbows, outstanding, butterflies, sunlight, weekends, love, cheers, relaxing, Saturdays, extraordinary, hilarious, moonlight, optimistic, peaceful, romance - Just changing my Facebook algorithms with keywords to see happier posts!
←Rate | 09-27-2019 01:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income. me: no problem broker: Where are you currently employed? me: Spirit Halloween
←Rate | 09-28-2019 06:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
←Rate | 10-05-2019 12:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you're texting while driving.
←Rate | 10-05-2019 17:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.
←Rate | 10-08-2019 05:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was young I took drugs to blow my mind. Now I take drugs not to lose it.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow
←Rate | 01-15-2018 23:03 by Crewz Comments (0)  

   messageicon That silly moment when your gas tank is on 'E' and you turn the music off like it's going to save gas
←Rate | 01-30-2018 07:00 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I hate brushing teeth at night because that signifies that you can't have anymore food and I'm just never ready for that kind of commitment
←Rate | 02-01-2018 03:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I want to take a moment to thank my skeletal system for being so supportive all these years.
←Rate | 02-05-2018 07:46 by Crewz Comments (0)  

   messageicon What does "colder than hell" mean? Isn't everyplace colder than hell?
←Rate | 02-24-2018 23:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm suffering from Insania. Its sort of like Insomnia, only its the voices in my head that cant sleep.
←Rate | 03-07-2018 13:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I remember back when my "car seat" was the back window shelf of my mom's 63 Plymouth Valiant
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:11 Comments (0)  

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