Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Whenever someone tells me "things could always be worse", I try to be optimistic and reply "things could always be better." That's the power of positive thinking, right?
←Rate | 09-27-2017 04:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A woman started choking in the lineup at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
←Rate | 11-02-2017 10:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I feel sorry for the last man on earth. A lot of women really hate that guy.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 22:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some say laughter is the best medicine. I prefer sedatives.
←Rate | 02-02-2017 07:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries.
←Rate | 03-28-2017 09:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When you think about it, isn't egg salad really chicken salad?
←Rate | 03-30-2017 11:10 by Me E Comments (1)  


   messageicon Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
←Rate | 01-31-2017 07:39 by Mikey c Comments (1)  


   messageicon A small *ATM room* which is equipped with *2 ACs* and *4 tubelights, working 24 hours, is asking me not to print receipt to save environment
←Rate | 03-01-2017 05:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
←Rate | 03-22-2017 23:22 Comments (4)  


   messageicon I have now survived 21,364 days and13 hours without using essential oils or eating kale. thank you for your prayers and support during these trying times.
←Rate | 06-21-2017 19:33 by the barber Comments (1)  


   messageicon to the woman that won the powerball.."What's up baby"...
←Rate | 08-24-2017 19:26 by Sinned Comments (0)  


   messageicon A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
←Rate | 02-22-2017 07:38 by Anon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.🐿️
←Rate | 02-14-2017 15:37 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  


   messageicon As soon as someone makes a time machine I'm going back to when being fat & pale was a sign of nobility.
←Rate | 03-21-2017 09:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hooter girls may be hot, but Subway girls are real wife material.
←Rate | 03-31-2017 07:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
←Rate | 04-25-2017 08:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: Do you want to have the best sex of your life tonight? Her: No. Me: Then I'm your guy!
←Rate | 06-03-2017 20:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon They say "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." The problem is, I can't tell the difference anymore.
←Rate | 07-10-2017 09:23 Comments (3)  


   messageicon There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
←Rate | 07-12-2017 13:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
←Rate | 07-29-2017 08:02 Comments (0)  



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