Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phonebook. She laughed and called me an antique, Then proceded to gave me her phone.Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.
←Rate | 07-20-2017 19:41 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wish people in this world would put as much effort into earning respect as they do demanding it.
←Rate | 07-20-2017 08:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy's laptop
←Rate | 12-14-2017 05:03 Comments (1)  


   messageicon When your Dr. says "I'll need to Google that"..... it's time to change Doctors
←Rate | 12-21-2017 17:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?
←Rate | 07-11-2017 05:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can't stuff your face when you're sleeping.
←Rate | 04-28-2017 19:30 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
←Rate | 08-14-2017 20:55 Comments (1)  


   messageicon It's really ironic that I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
←Rate | 09-10-2017 19:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bigfoot saw me yesterday but no one believes him.
←Rate | 09-14-2017 09:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
←Rate | 03-15-2017 18:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon [me, at the gym] I never expected to die like this
←Rate | 05-22-2017 02:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you think sleeping with your wife’s best friend will piss her off then you obviously haven’t tried hiding one of her shoes.
←Rate | 07-19-2017 07:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "O.J. , if granted parole where would you live...?" "Well, I'd like to take a stab at Florida......!!"
←Rate | 07-20-2017 19:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I only wear glasses so I can take them off and rub my eyes when someone does something stupid.
←Rate | 08-01-2017 08:31 Comments (1)  


   messageicon As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
←Rate | 08-05-2017 13:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon For the most intelligent species on this planet, how did we end up with 5 Sharknado movies? Seriously?
←Rate | 08-06-2017 13:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Late for work? Call your boss and tell him you're not coming. He will be so surprised when you show up that he'll forget you were late.
←Rate | 08-08-2017 22:24 by Chencho Comments (1)  


   messageicon I just saw the neighbor's kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn't supposed to.
←Rate | 08-12-2017 07:15 by GlimmerTriplet Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only difference between brown nosing and ass kissing is depth perception.
←Rate | 09-12-2017 08:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
←Rate | 09-15-2017 03:38 by AATON Comments (0)  



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