Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Old computer games couldn’t be won, they just got harder and faster until you died. Just like in real life.

   When you see your-self as Robin Hood, Prince of Jokes. Stealing from group to feed another, spreading joy across the land.

   Start each day with a positive thought like; “in 16 hours, I can go back to bed.”

   Pink Floyd warned us about the school system over 50 years ago, and everyone slept on it.

   Founding Fathers: Here’s the First Amendment. Oh, and in case someone tries to take that away, here’s the Second Amendment.

   When the food is so good you accidentally overeat to the point that you’re afraid you might die.

   If you had a scratch and sniff map of the world, what would your current location smell like?

   Amazonesia: When you forget what you ordered this time.

   Using your turn signal is not “giving information to the enemy.”

   Nothing brightens up a room like your absence.

   You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

   Foreign aid, taking money from poor people of a rich country and giving it to the rich people of a poor country.

   Are you free tomorrow? Her: No, I’m expensive.

   Some girls will claim “he’s my world,” but that’s your fourth “world” this month. Are you building a solar system?

   Careful creampuff, I drink coffee stronger than your feelings.

   Life isn’t supposed to be easy, it’s a fight, a test.

   I fear that one day, I’ll see one of my jokes marked as “Exhibit A.”

   We thought that our ability for compassion made us human. Turns out, it was our ability to select each image containing a boat.

   Sorry I didn’t reply for 45 days. Lol What’s up?

   Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.