Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Land-o-lakes ~ they got rid of the Indian and kept the land.

   If Satan ever lost his hair, there would be hell toupee.

   Imagine the disappointment a wolf would feel if it knew its descendant would turn out to be a Pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   If we removed all laws, the crime rate would be 0%.

   Once you carry your own water, you’ll learn the value of every single drop.

   Therapist: “What brings you in today?” Me: Every time my husband puts the dishes away, he puts them in a different location. Therapist: “I’ll cancel all my appointments.”

   It’s called gross pay, because it’s disgusting to see what you could’ve made.

   Keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain.

   You can put whatever you want on a “to do” list, there are no rules. I put wake up and drink coffee on mine. Already knocked two things off my list and it’s not even lunch time yet. God, I’m good.

   Triggered! Go dip your head in some radical raspberry Kool aid and have a cookie. Oh, and logout… your mum will be home soon.

   You only live once, so make sure you spend 16 hours a day on the internet desperately seeking validation from complete strangers.

   Dating in 2022 be like: Find someone who also can’t afford rent alone. It won’t be hard.

   Do one thing every day that scares you. Text someone first. Ask your crush to hang out. Pick a fight with a raccoon. The only one stopping you is yourself.

   “Just be yourself, say something nice.” Me: Which one? I can’t do both.

   Shake what ya mamma gave ya! Me: Shakes therapy bill in the air.

   Been breading racing deer. Just trying to make a quick buck and some fast doe.

   Your meme-fu is weak and brings much shame to your entire clan.

   Old computer games couldn’t be won, they just got harder and faster until you died. Just like in real life.

   When you see your-self as Robin Hood, Prince of Jokes. Stealing from group to feed another, spreading joy across the land.

   Founding Fathers: Here’s the First Amendment. Oh, and in case someone tries to take that away, here’s the Second Amendment.