snotty Funny Status Messages

   I'm gonna open a restaurant down in the Old-Port for singles - You'll just bring your own chinese food,, and for a small fee,,, I'll provide the sink for you to eat it over.

   I think I wasted my 15 minutes of fame trying to save money on car insurance.

   I think this time around we elect a 17yr old girl president... That way when the economy goes sour,, she can run to her room and slam the door.

   I wish I had Caesar Milan to correct me whenever I drive up to KFC

   Bucket list #33: Get a mouse dressed as a pirate to sit on your shoulder while you hand out Christmas gifts,, Also he should pretend to steer you holding a potato-chip.

   I will not rest until ALL food is dinosaur shaped.

   Hey,, I put on my pants same as everyone else......... reluctantly

   Every Maine-ah,,, at the age of 10 has to battle a moose to the death, using only the aid of 4 beavers...

   As it turns out, saying you worked out,,, Is MUCH easier than actually working out.

   If miley cyrus and justin beiber were drowning, and you could only save one........ What kind of sandwich would you make?

   How come Yoko Ono didn't marry someone from Nickleback instead?

   Darth Vader: "Here, I made you some toast." ___Luke: "It's a little on the dark side." ___Vader: ".?." ___Luke: "Lol"___ Vader: "Lol"

   It's really sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

   Listen,, If you're mad about Trump being named Time's Person of the Year, wait until you hear who was elected president.

   It's been years since I've had to use "the Schwartz"

   *Does impersonation of the Swedish Chef for no reason 5 minutes into first date*

   Me: So, what do you do for a living? Her: I flip houses. Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

   My shower breakdown: 60% getting the water temp right,, 39% coming up with awesome responses to fights with my wife,,, 1% showering

   NYC Detective: One of you is an octopus,,,, who is it?... *Everyone points at me.... Including Susan, with all eight of her arms*

   How many light bulbs does it take to change people?