Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Telling people "Don't go out and by up all the toilet paper" will cause people to go out and by up all the toilet paper.

   Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

   I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

   This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home.

   You ever get a friend request and be like, “Nah, you look like you steal copper”

   100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

   Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

   I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

   i’m at the age where I have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

   Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

   I prefer to think of myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word.

   "did I catch you at a bad time?" "yeah, I'm awake and sober"

   Alexa, clean up my act!

   It's really cold out there folks. If you're heading out to Walmart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.

   I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non-removable screws.

   The minute you post an incorrect spelllling on line you find a hundred unemployed Teachers on social sites!

   The penalty for bigamy is having two mother in-laws.

   I have my doubts about all these new "smart waters" considering how easily they were captured and bottled

   Nothing you can ever accomplish will make your parents any happier than the first time you slept through the night.

   Restaurant toilets are so dangerous. So many of my dates have gone there and never some back.