Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

   If you happen to be hanging out with Julio down by the schoolyard, steer clear of Rosie. She's the Queen of Corona.

   Has anyone checked the math on the Mayan calendar to see if it was off by about 8 years?

   Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

   My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed

   The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

   My life hasn't been the same since McDonald's removed the HI-C orange drink from their stores!!

   What idiot called them anti-anxiety meds instead of relaxatives?

   “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”

   The hippopotamus can run faster than humans on land and can swim faster than humans in water. This means that the only way you can beat a hippopotamus in a triathlon is on a bicycle.

   I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

   I prefer to think of myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word.

   "did I catch you at a bad time?" "yeah, I'm awake and sober"

   Alexa, clean up my act!

   It's really cold out there folks. If you're heading out to Walmart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.

   I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non-removable screws.

   The minute you post an incorrect spelllling on line you find a hundred unemployed Teachers on social sites!

   The penalty for bigamy is having two mother in-laws.

   I have my doubts about all these new "smart waters" considering how easily they were captured and bottled

   Nothing you can ever accomplish will make your parents any happier than the first time you slept through the night.