Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What idiot called them anti-anxiety meds instead of relaxatives?

   “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”

   The hippopotamus can run faster than humans on land and can swim faster than humans in water. This means that the only way you can beat a hippopotamus in a triathlon is on a bicycle.

   I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

   my new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth

   There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I’m not sure who to believe

   It's just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms

   Yes, your smart devices can talk to each other now and they are giggling about you behind your back.

   If you buy weight loss products at GNC the only thing you'll lose is your money...

   I always ask if I can pay in bitcoins now, not because I have any but because I want to be cool

   If you receive a text/forward that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend while forwarding it, thanks

   If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you

   "It wasn’t me" - First rule of fart club

   Florida traffic is a confusing mix of NASCAR rejects and people old enough to have owned a Model T.

   If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.

   Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"

   Maybe I should have just gotten in the van.

   There should be a reality TV show where anti-capitalist millennials are questioned about what kind of government they want and then sent to a country that closely resembles their version as closely as possible and forced to live there for a few months.

   Values of the woke: Victimizing yourself is powerful, bravery is dangerous, self-responsibility is someone else’s responsibility, reality isn’t real.

   the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter