Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn't sing it out loud in public

   Ran out of post-it notes, now I don't know how to remind myself to buy more.

   It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year

   Dating is cuddling on the sofa. Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.

   If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.

   Parental Pro-tip...Having trouble waking up your teenager? Unplug and pick up their phone. It wakes them up instantly

   I puked in the backseat of my friend's brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1994. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now.

   Tony Romo threw in the towel today, even that was intercepted.

   I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

   I would be more of a people person at work if HR would agree to day drinking.

   Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

   It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.

   Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.

   Learn to fight like your the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!

   I've got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I'm gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.

   I'll be doing book signings today at Barnes & Noble until they kick me out for writing in random books.

   My meth lab on Farmville blew up. FML.

   There's a reason it's called "Girls Gone Wild" and not "Women Gone Wild". When girls go wild, they show their boobs because they want money. When women go wild, they kill men for insurance policies.

   Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren't you Ice-T?"

   How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when the crook gave up and threw the gun at him?