Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have nothing to update. I'm just making it look like I'm doing something at a party so people won't talk to me.

   I'm glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.

   Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.

   How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign. Please only take one piece of candy.

   I wanted to be an astronaut until I found out they make you come back.

   If you think men are the stronger sex, watch a man react when the girlfriend says "what did you just say to me?"

   Who else's favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."

   One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.

   We need a montage of dads trying to order for the whole family in drive-thrus

   Remember: One person's LOL is another person's WTF.

   If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca's third dog.

   There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”

   How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?

   If smartphones existed in the 80's, most of us would have a parole officer.

   What’s it called when your hard work doesn’t pay off?

   Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn't make you a TV star.

   I know there are idiot Savants, but are there Savant idiots ?.. Because lately stupid people sure do think they are smart !

   Don't come to me for advice.. we'll end up buying a bottle.

   Maybe it's the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.

   Why are Zoey and Zoe pronounced the same way but Joey and Joe aren't?