Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we're together now.

   My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.

   Instagram is good for showing highlights from your day, but Snapchat brings to life all those boring, in-between moments no one cares about.

   So ..... FBI Director James Comey Sure Has Changed his views a Lot Since He Prosecuted Martha Stewart hasn't he … Folks ... Do some research and check it out.

   About a year ago I told my friend there’s plenty of fish in the sea. Last I heard he is still sitting there holding his rod.

   Starbucks is going to raise their prices by 10%. Doesn't affect me because if I'm paying over three bucks for a drink, it's always gonna be beer.

   .... I think we should all vote for Pedro and all our wildest dreams will come true .....

   Be careful walking near tall building today. You may see millenials out on ledges for 1 of 2 reasons... they are playing Pokemon Go or they are depressed that their hero Bernie Sanders just fell in line with his comrades.

   I'd love to watch Samuel L Jackson and Morgan Freeman get into a heated argument while James Earl Jones tries to stop them.

   Miss Cleo has died, but if you act now, you can attend her funeral for only $2.99 a minute.

   If you pour two beers in one glass, it's just one beer.

   What amazes me most about bathroom graffiti is the forethought it took to carry a Sharpie.

   Forget Klondike, you should see what I'd do for an open bar.

   If my boss interrupts my nap one more time I'm going to HR.

   Facebook has taught me people don't get most jokes unless you put them over a picture and call it a meme.

   f I ever invented time travel, I'd probably just keep going back to that time I got 7 chicken nuggets instead of 6.

   Sorry, but if your 8-yr-old has the audacity to tell me what color belt he has in karate, I'm obligated to fight him. This is about honor.

   My wife : "What's the big deal with Usain Bolt finishing in under 10 seconds? You do that all the time."

   Wooden spoon survivor!

   I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?