Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear friends older than 37: You don't have to put 2 spaces after the period anymore. That was for the typewriter era. You're free.

   I puked in the backseat of my friend's brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1994. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now.

   Tony Romo threw in the towel today, even that was intercepted.

   I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

   I would be more of a people person at work if HR would agree to day drinking.

   Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

   It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.

   Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.

   Learn to fight like your the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!

   I've got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I'm gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.

   I'll be doing book signings today at Barnes & Noble until they kick me out for writing in random books.

   My meth lab on Farmville blew up. FML.

   There's a reason it's called "Girls Gone Wild" and not "Women Gone Wild". When girls go wild, they show their boobs because they want money. When women go wild, they kill men for insurance policies.

   Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren't you Ice-T?"

   How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when the crook gave up and threw the gun at him?

   Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words... "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

   My Olympic condoms have arrived - I wanted to wear a gold one, but the wife said "wear the silver one and come second for a change".

   watching football the same way Colin Kaepernick does... sitting on my couch

   In Iran, if a woman commits adultery she gets stoned to death. In the U.S., if a woman commits adultery she gets to be a guest on Jerry Springer.

   Once a year you unknowingly pass the anniversary of your upcoming death. You're welcome.