Funny Status Messages

   If your boyfriend said he couldn't spend time with you on Valentines Day, but took you on a date the day after....it means that you are the side chick.

   I'm like Hugh Hefner....minus the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. So basically, I have a robe.

   After watching TV with my kids, I think I have figured out what's wrong with this generation....their cartoons suck.

   If Facebook has taught us anything, it's that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.

   If I hit snooze three times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I'll be out sick.

   It's very hard to make friends as an adult because once you're an adult you've realized you hate everyone.

   Why the hell should I have to opt out of something I never opted in? Why should I have to unsubscribe from something I never subscribed to in the first place. This is how serial killers are born.

   I have to recharge my phone so often that I basically have a landline again.

   Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.

   Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

   My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

   If you are having a bad day, just remember someone in your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.

   Moving in with a woman is pretty much saying, "The sex is good enough to risk everything I own to be set on fire."

   Sometimes I step outside to look up at the stars and think to myself....damn I love peeing outside!!!

   Reasons Why Guys Stop Texting Girls: 1) He's Busy. 2) You didn't send nudes. 3) He has beer and football. 4) It's only been a day, calm down psycho.

   They're called 'selfies' because the only one who's interested in them is yourself.

   The 1 thing Liberals & Conservatives should agree on: The media is a mess. Get back to who's right not who's first.

   Break into your neighbor's house every night but don't take anything, just put a cape on their dog.

   I don't really know the difference between yoga pants & leggings and frankly, I don't care.

   The nice thing about being single is I'm always there when I need me.