Snotty Funny Status Messages

   *buys Sushi for Dummies*.. *preheats oven*.. *reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*.. *turns off oven*

   This post will be seen by tens of people, and liked literally ones of times.

   I hope the next Rambo movie is called 'Rambo No. 5' and its just Stallone dancing through the jungle shooting a little bit of this and that.

   Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?.. Me: Siri, why did this cop pull me over? .. *gets distracted driving ticket*

   *This summer at the GOP convention,, Scooby and the gang suddenly rush the stage. They wrestle Trump to the ground, struggling to remove his face.

   How can a species that can splice DNA, Invented the interwebs, Star Wars & went to the moon........ STILL need signs in the bathroom to wash your hands?

   Too many herbs have effd up my omelet.... If only I could turn back thyme...

   So this midget walks into a mini bar........

   I will gather my Grandchildren around for one of my bedtime stories. Like todays story about the "Cinco De Mayo",, a riviting yet sad tale of a ship, laden with mayonaise,,, which sinks off the coast of Mexico.(cue background music, Wreck of the Edmund..)

   I begin all my orders at Arby's by saying,,, "Listen, I've got nothing to prove to you."

   Cow-tipping cop: Do you know why I pushed you over?... Cow: *sighs... Yes.

   I think the people who own funeral homes should have digital clocks outside, counting down.

   Dear coworker who just microwaved hobo feet for lunch,,,, We hate you.. Love Stanley

   If Kenny Rogers, Cher and Bruce Jenner stood right by a really hot radiator,,, who do you think would melt first?

   My Laundry's piled so high,,, it's eating Doritos & watching Chappelle's Show.

   Hi, my name's Ray. I'll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.... *misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag

   "That's not what I meant".................... *men

   Anyone checked lately to see if there are still other web sites?

   I just got a letter from my boomerang.... It said when I get a decent job and quit the drinking,,,,,,,,,,,,,( well, you know )

   IKEA has the BEST horse d'oeuvres.