Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

   to the woman that won the powerball.."What's up baby"...

   Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

   Today is a sad day. The man who invented autocorrect pissed away in his sleep last night.

   The problem with this country is that too many people say they want Justice when they really want Revenge.

   If you see someone crying, ask if is because of their haircut.

   A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy's laptop

   If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?

   No one has more to say than a woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   If at any point in your life you feel useless, just remember there are people on the BMW assembly lines that install turn signals..”

   A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better.

   We all have faults. It's just that mine are better than yours.

   I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

   As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me

   Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.

   "Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing...after they have exhausted all other possibilities." ~ Winston Churchill

   The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.

   Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale

   You can always tell someone's age by watching them get out of a car.

   The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.