Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.

   "Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing...after they have exhausted all other possibilities." ~ Winston Churchill

   That concludes the Time Travelers Club meeting, see you all last month.

   Who needs conspiracy theories when reality is crazy enough lately. .. ugh

   I have nothing to update. I'm just making it look like I'm doing something at a party so people won't talk to me.

   I'm glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.

   Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.

   Don't tickle the dragon unless you're ready for the fire.

   How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign. Please only take one piece of candy.

   I prefer to think of myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word.

   "did I catch you at a bad time?" "yeah, I'm awake and sober"

   Alexa, clean up my act!

   It's really cold out there folks. If you're heading out to Walmart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.

   I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non-removable screws.

   The minute you post an incorrect spelllling on line you find a hundred unemployed Teachers on social sites!

   The penalty for bigamy is having two mother in-laws.

   I have my doubts about all these new "smart waters" considering how easily they were captured and bottled

   Nothing you can ever accomplish will make your parents any happier than the first time you slept through the night.

   Restaurant toilets are so dangerous. So many of my dates have gone there and never some back.

   If anyone sees that woman drying her bra by holding it out of the car window please tell her I love her