Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   relationships are a lot like algebra. have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

   I have an actual date this weekend so if any of you are in love with me, you better say something or forever hold your peace.

   Instead of a sign that says "Do not disturb" I need one that says "Already disturbed"

   I just passed a guy doused in Polo cologne. For those of you born after 1989, Polo was a popular cologne then.

   Somebody needs to plug an electric guitar into a 100 watt amplifier, and fix this cr@p that's trying to pass itself off as music nowadays.

   How about you Harlem shake off a cliff

   People who marry for money over love usually end up cheating for love over money!

   Why do men complain when women order a salad at dinner? She's doing your poor ass a favor.

   The past, the present, and the future all walk into a bar at the same time. It was tense.

   Just played the board game Clue, The "Who killed music" version. Well turns out it was Nicki Minaj, in the studio, with a microphone.

   Facebook is for Leaders.....Twitter is for Followers

   Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you've made in their life. It's not me. I think your an idiot.

   I don't blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers :/

   Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...

   We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?

   Non-psychotic people don't wear "Build Back Better" paraphernalia, they loot, burn and kill.

   You think you've got problems? I dropped my cocaine in the snow this morning.

   If your girlfriend has a friend that annoys you, don't tell her to stop being friends with her. Just casually mention how pretty she is.

   Moving to Africa so I can feed my kids for 18 cents a day.

   iam pretty sure the whole 'ladies first' thing was created by a guy to check out some ass