Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   That episode of Star Trek where Superman goes on a blind date with Rosie O'Donnel is on. Also, how much NyQuil is too much?

   Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.

   Something seems to be wrong with my butt today, as I can't seem to get off of it.

   When you say your life is a joke I really feel sorry for you because it's not even a funny one.

   The guy who figured out what kinds of sounds to make during karate was probably badly sunburned at the time.

   If I look intrigued while your talking to me it's because I'm thinking about how to give less f*cks about what you're saying.

   You are too blessed to be stressed, depressed or dealing with mess. Never suppress your success, instead profess your progress. Then sit back and let the HATERS obsess to excess over what you possess...more or less. And now I digress.

   This joke was sent from the iPhone 5 I'll be buying in a few months using Apple's new 'Time Travel' feature.

   One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.

   People who are offended by offensive things offend me.

   Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.

   This beer just accepted my friend request!

   There's plenty of room for all God's creatures... right next to the mashed potatoes.

   A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for some batteries. The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said,"Come this way." The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the batteries!"

   My neighbors are slamming doors and screaming at each other, keeping me awake. I retaliated by playing Nickelback super loud, We all lose tonight.

   The people of Colorado and Washington State are opting for a less traditional Thanksgiving dinner this year: Turkey. Pot. Pie.

   Whenever I feel hungry, I just log onto Facebook and like everyone's food pictures until I feel full.

   I really tend to have less tolerance of ugly people.

   Why is it called a bull riding “accident” when the bull ends up hurting the rider? If someone strapped a rope around my nuts, wanted a piggy back ride, then proceeded to spur my ass, my wanting to f*ck them up would be no accident.

   75% of my regrets involve hitting "send."