lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Morning without coffee is like sleep.

   Bananosecond, n.; Time elapsed between slipping on the peel and hitting the pavement.

   When I want to show off my best curves, I smile.

   I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

   90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave their house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

   There's a fine line between hyphenated words.

   HDTV: where the channels are still crap..but a much clearer and colorful crap.

   I just harvested my crops, killed a Mafia Don, fed my fish and deleted my Facebook account

   Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake. Then this will be my last status update.

   I'm no psychologist, but I'm pretty sure the only way to alleviate the guilt of eating a peanut butter cup is by eating 15 more.

   Do nudists refer to their genitals as "privates" or "publics"?

   If you're having trouble with using the correct your/you're, just use “ur” because ur a moron!

   The Old Lie: "The check is in the mail." The New Lie: "I haven't checked my email."

   Breed a Labrador Retriever with a Curly Coated Retriever and you get a Lab Coat Retriever. The choice of medical professionals everywhere.

   I'm not a nag. I'm a motivational speaker.

   Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

   A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

   I hate to see my food go to waist.

   Support the fine arts, shoot a rapper.

   ..met her ex at the gym. We didnt workout..