huck Funny Status Messages

   When I order delivery online and there's a "Notes" box I put "Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON"

   Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Of course, now your life will be shorter than it was yesterday. Way to waste yesterday, MORON!

   Need to get up early tomorrow so I've set my neighbor's leaf blower for 6 a.m.

   Hey smoke detectors, feel free to use that last bit of battery life to continue monitoring fires instead of getting all beepy.

   When you tell a lie, think of it as peeing in the pool. Let it out slow. Don’t let facial expressions give you away.

   I don't talk to myself. My dog is generally around.

   I just got done doing 5 sets of diddly squats.

   When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

   I wonder if there is a secret feud between rocket scientists and brain surgeons.

   Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.

   You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you tell her she is overreacting.

   I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.

   I wonder if Brad Pitt gets sad on Christmas when one of his kids asks what's in the box

   Boss: So, tell me your greatest weakness Me: Honesty Boss: I don't think that's a weakness Me: I don't really care what you think.

   And Eli Manning smiles quietly to himself. Knowing he will be the Manning with the most Super Bowl wins

   the fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.

   My biggest fear is dying and becoming a ghost that has to go around and get people to try my blueberry cereal.

   You'd think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it's a guy in a costume every time.

   I have an electric stove, but I prefer acoustic.

   FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don't remember who you are.