hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   Can someone help me with this? I wanted some homemade honey, but I don't know how many bees to put in this blender...so far it tastes horrible.

   Someone told me: Don't fall in love, you might get hurt. I said: Don't live, you might die..

   I started an Alcohol Free Diet today. So if its Free, I drink it.

   A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart while sitting on Mall Santa's lap, Real Santa will bring you extra presents.

   I found a penny today and it reminded me of my ex...worthless and in everybody's pants.

   The only people who still leave voicemail messages are bill collectors and moms.

   I got arrested today for feeding some homeless guys on the street, and to top it all off, the cops broke my potato gun.

   If you posted that worthless legal disclaimer on your Facebook page, you might also want to spray paint your name on your garbage cans.

   Being single is great! Except for the paying for everything yourself part.

   Why I wear thick, fluffy socks: 1% Comfort 1% Warmth 98% Increased ability to slide across floor like a fricken ninja on an invisible surfboard

   I'm more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.

   If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.

   If you see someone using a payphone, there is a 97% chance you can buy drugs from them.

   I hate looking for a job almost as much I hate not having a job almost as much as I hate working. It's complicated.

   I knew she was "Trouble" from the moment the announcer at the strip club introduced her as so.

   Global warming sucks but I'm kind of looking forward to riding a jet ski to work every day.

   When I was younger, I grew up in a theme park! The theme of the park was trailer.

   Whenever I see a guy in jean shorts I feel sad that he has nobody in his life to say, "You really shouldn't wear those."

   The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.

   For Christmas I gave myself an obscene amount of vodka. I'm so thoughtful.