Snotty Funny Status Messages

   How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.

   * Walk in jury duty.... * Hand both lawyers a copy of my latest status updates..... * Walk out of jury duty....

   Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank.... I have no words right now to describe how angry I am

   "Its not you,, Its me."--- Twins going through a photo album

   Hey,,,You knew what you were getting into when you friended me...

   I have NO idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.

   I think a UPS truck, is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.

   Hi you've reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn't be done over text

   At least once a year, we should all be allowed to go to Microsoft headquarters and reboot all of their PCs without giving them notice.

   One of my greatest joys is watching a kid bite into a salt n' vinegar chip for the very first time.

   I Just watched guy put a wheel barrow in his shopping cart at the Home Depot.... *I'm just going to let that sit here and sink in.*

   I'm playing Nickelback at your funeral to make sure you're really dead and not faking it

   Amazing the things you say you’ll never do again when your head is lying next to a toilet

   You know what's really great about being a narcissist? Me.

   Wish me luck... I'm off to contest library fines, on the grounds that I'm an "exceedingly slow" reader.

   I sit for 5 minutes laughing at my own tweet.. Then read it to my wife who looks at me in confusion...

   I can't quote it verbatim,, but the mimes have a saying that goes something like this:

   Once I participated in a "Nice Guy" 5K Run..... We all finished last.

   If you're worried about peeing on your necktie, then the answer is yes,,, you've tied it wrong.

   "The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.