SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.

   Hey Pringles, it's time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn't exactly thin-wristed.

   I wonder if those guys who ordered that white boy to play funky music until he died ever got arrested.

   If you leave your phone unattended around me there is a good chance I will send a text to all of your contacts that says "I have recently turned gay."

   Punxsutawney Phil did not see Manti Te'o's girlfriend either today.

   Reasons why Alcohol should be served at work...its an incentive to show up

   Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner Me: sorry, I didn't realize we were having dinner in my room.

   The next Fast and the Furious should just be two hours of a guy doing steroids inside of a Nissan Cube.

   Every time I'm not with my kid and someone asks me "Where's the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.

   Dear washing machine, I am all for fighting breast cancer, in-fact I have offered to be a buddy for the buddy check, but turning my socks pink… Come on!

   I'm too embarrassed to tell you how many times I've mistaken insulation for cotton candy.

   If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

   Nothing says you're out of shape like getting winded while vacuuming.

   "According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton has lost a third of her supporters since May. There's still debate as to whether she lost them or just deleted them from her database.

   I was pulled over for driving a Ford Tempo without a cigarette in my mouth.

   Congratulations to Iggy Pop who has managed to find a way to look great for his age and terrible for his age at the same time.

   Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills? Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills....

   Just bought a thesaurus at Goodwill, I got home to discover all the pages are blank, I have no words to describe how angry I am...

   A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes

   "I have 37 pairs of shoes, 23 purses, 9 pairs of sunglasses & an overflowing closet but how dare you waste $200 on that stupid toy!" - Women