Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Bananosecond, n.; Time elapsed between slipping on the peel and hitting the pavement.

   When I want to show off my best curves, I smile.

   I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

   90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave their house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

   There's a fine line between hyphenated words.

   HDTV: where the channels are still crap..but a much clearer and colorful crap.

   I just harvested my crops, killed a Mafia Don, fed my fish and deleted my Facebook account

   Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake. Then this will be my last status update.

   I'm no psychologist, but I'm pretty sure the only way to alleviate the guilt of eating a peanut butter cup is by eating 15 more.

   Do nudists refer to their genitals as "privates" or "publics"?

   If you're having trouble with using the correct your/you're, just use “ur” because ur a moron!

   If you think chocolate is better than sex,you really need to find that special someone. If you have already met someone special and STILL believe it,i seriously need to know what kind of chocolate you're eating!

   The Old Lie: "The check is in the mail." The New Lie: "I haven't checked my email."

   Breed a Labrador Retriever with a Curly Coated Retriever and you get a Lab Coat Retriever. The choice of medical professionals everywhere.

   I've managed to avoid around 50 April fools jokes this morning. However, I've now lost my job on the emergency sevices desk.

   I'm not a nag. I'm a motivational speaker.

   Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

   A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

   I hate to see my food go to waist.

   Support the fine arts, shoot a rapper.