Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon When a cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now."
←Rate | 08-17-2017 08:41 by Moose42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Went to a Black Friday thing a my sweetheart’s house… all clothes were 100% off.
←Rate | 11-25-2017 05:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!
←Rate | 04-25-2017 15:38 by John Y Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bigfoot saw me yesterday but no one believes him.
←Rate | 09-14-2017 09:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge a grand for it.
←Rate | 09-16-2017 21:55 by DocHoliday Comments (0)  


   messageicon Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 07:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
←Rate | 01-11-2017 22:42 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't had a meeting yet.
←Rate | 03-10-2017 14:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's so cold outside, I just accidentally keyed someone's car with my nipples.
←Rate | 01-01-2018 07:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he's adopted.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 17:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I need to start eating healthy but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so its not there to tempt me
←Rate | 01-10-2018 04:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon One day all of your earthly possessions will be destroyed ... that day comes when your child turns 2
←Rate | 01-10-2018 18:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I mix my Tide Pods with Red Bull so I get the benefit of clean energy.......
←Rate | 01-17-2018 17:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm still young at heart. The problem is, the rest of me is old.
←Rate | 01-30-2018 09:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbor using it.
←Rate | 02-07-2018 10:28 by MDS Comments (1)  


   messageicon Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic's, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
←Rate | 02-09-2018 17:08 by MDS Comments (0)  


   messageicon Countries should not send athletes to the Olympics as a reward, but should send stupid people as a punishment. Your annoying coworker? Ski jumping. Natural selection as its best
←Rate | 02-15-2018 11:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Menage a trois- French for disappointing two girls at the same time.
←Rate | 04-04-2017 07:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Let's be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
←Rate | 07-16-2017 07:15 by huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just bought a JVC LCD 4K 3D UHD TV. The rest of the alphabet was out of stock.
←Rate | 08-23-2017 14:36 Comments (0)  



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