Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 11 of 5838

   messageicon In sept 1945 I wish "he" was shot into space instead of his mother being impregnated with him.
←Rate | 01-27-2019 14:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The cashier asked if I'd like my milk in a bag to whom I replied "No thanks, I think it would be easier to carry home in the container."
←Rate | 01-27-2019 13:42 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
←Rate | 01-27-2019 13:28 by Joker Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ask a meteorologist who will win the Superbowl......then go with the other team ;-)
←Rate | 01-27-2019 11:03 by Jsabbage Comments (0)  

   messageicon I accidentally walked into the women's room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn't be awkward.
←Rate | 01-27-2019 08:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. After Brett Kavanaugh walks in the room, there's no more bottles of beer on the wall.
←Rate | 01-27-2019 03:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
←Rate | 01-26-2019 23:36 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Her: "Undress me with your words." Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
←Rate | 01-26-2019 08:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Doctor: “Sir....” Patient: “It's MA'AM. I identify as a female” Doctor: “Okay Ma'am. You have testicular cancer”
←Rate | 01-26-2019 04:01 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In this cold weather, it's hard to give people the finger when you're wearing mittens.
←Rate | 01-25-2019 17:33 by Joker Comments (0)  

   messageicon I miss the days when the worst thing about Trump was just his hair.
←Rate | 01-25-2019 13:27 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I guess I shouldn't have used Comet® to wash my car. I've been working on it for an hour and I've only begun to scratch the surface.
←Rate | 01-25-2019 11:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If whales are so smart, why do they swim so close to Japan?
←Rate | 01-25-2019 04:04 by Truman Comments (1)  

   messageicon Why is a person who came in second place in a race be the winner.
←Rate | 01-24-2019 21:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why isn't the Super Bowl on Saturday? My Sunday party plans end about 8pm...
←Rate | 01-24-2019 19:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just got a call from some Woman in Idaho. She wanted to know if I wanted to take a chance on an Indian Blanket? What does that mean?? I hung up. Last time I took a chance on any kind of blanket, I ended up with three kids and a mortgage.
←Rate | 01-24-2019 15:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Who died and made Pelosi king?
←Rate | 01-24-2019 15:02 by BillC. Comments (0)  

   messageicon My mother inlaw standing in front of a mirror: "I feel fat and ugly." . Me to make her feel better: "Well at lease your eye sight is good."
←Rate | 01-24-2019 14:17 by Joker Comments (2)  

   messageicon What if we used to be able to make wishes but then someone wished we couldn't?
←Rate | 01-24-2019 13:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It sure seems like a lot to learn before a second rodeo...
←Rate | 01-24-2019 10:20 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left