Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump


Search Messages:
Page: 11 of 5763

   messageicon There are now way too many people on this planet. We need a new plague.
←Rate | 05-08-2018 13:05 Comments (2)  


   messageicon I don't have psychotic episodes. They're more like a miniseries.
←Rate | 05-08-2018 08:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn't cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
←Rate | 05-07-2018 22:55 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon What happens in the shower stays in the shower....... Bet your loofah has some interesting stories it can tell
←Rate | 05-07-2018 22:05 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon When in the hell did All you can eat buffets become everything I can't eat buffets.
←Rate | 05-07-2018 18:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron !
←Rate | 05-07-2018 16:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's amazing how a single terd can shut down a water park.
←Rate | 05-07-2018 15:39 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon The difference between carbon monoxie and my wife is..... Carbon monoxie is a silent killer.
←Rate | 05-07-2018 15:31 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon People laugh at the inventor of nitrous oxide.
←Rate | 05-07-2018 14:12 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a weird red haired son named Ronald who wore makeup, dropped acid, and talked to hamburgers and purple monsters.
←Rate | 05-07-2018 11:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can you imagine how sexy I'd be if I ate right and took care of my body... I'm not going to, but can you imagine”
←Rate | 05-07-2018 09:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Trump needs to stop worrying about Mueller and start worrying about Giuliani
←Rate | 05-07-2018 04:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The best thing about my wife's bj..... The five minutes of silence
←Rate | 05-06-2018 22:24 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice to long?....... Polaroids
←Rate | 05-06-2018 22:07 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon What do you call a nun with a sex change operation....... A tran-sister
←Rate | 05-06-2018 22:02 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I devorced my wife because she like having sex in the morning after I left for work.
←Rate | 05-06-2018 21:58 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon i have a man flu. I had a good run, I think this is the end for me. Tell my family I love them.
←Rate | 05-06-2018 10:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife's coffee is so strong it puts hair on your chest........ And takes it off if you spill it.
←Rate | 05-06-2018 07:18 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon "No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
←Rate | 05-06-2018 02:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I ever go missing, please don't look for me.
←Rate | 05-06-2018 02:50 Comments (0)  


Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left