Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 11 of 5956

   messageicon I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
←Rate | 11-04-2019 04:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sorry, package of water bottles. I'm only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you're sleeping in the car tonight.
←Rate | 11-04-2019 04:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just want to make you hot. Mess your hair up. Get your blood flowing. When I chase you around the house over the last piece of pizza.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 17:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Living check to check is fine til you go from "Think I'll treat myself to a $7 latte" to "Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs."
←Rate | 11-03-2019 17:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon RACCOON: I'm being burglarized 911: can you describe him RACCOON: he's wearing a mask 911: maybe he's your RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
←Rate | 11-03-2019 17:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski m
←Rate | 11-03-2019 17:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's like kids can just smell us relaxing.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 17:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight. I'm just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 17:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat. NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like? ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 17:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can't say you didn't see them.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 17:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon NBC poll finds half the voters want Trump impeached. You mean the half that didn't vote for him?? Shocking...
←Rate | 11-03-2019 11:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Our family motto is "Who took my phone charger?"
←Rate | 11-03-2019 11:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It costs today's parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that's just for the alcohol.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not saying you started that fire, Billy Joel; I'm just saying that innocent people don't write songs to defend themselves.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon : I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you say "I'm fine" while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won't believe you but they will also leave you alone.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says 'buy something'.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:11 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left