lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never keep the house.

   Makeup can make you look pretty on the outside. But it doesn't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup.

   ..is so blonde,she thought a thesaurus was a dinosaur.

   I'm pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and i'll let you know.

   I wouldn't mind public transportation if it wasn't for the public.

   ..i had lunch with a chess player today. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

   ..doesn't go looking for trouble. She knows exactly where to find it!

   Wrinkles are hereditary. Mothers and fathers get them from their children.

   ...wanted to buy some goose feathers but couldn't afford the down payment..

   ..i bought a pair of shoes called "Dyke". It has an extra large tongue and it gets off with just one finger.

   "you gotta laugh.. sometimes its the only weapon you got" - Roger Rabbit

   I'm looking forward to seeing my life flash before my eyes when I die. If only to know what I did in the 90s.

   My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is!

   These days, the only way I get rolled in the hay is if I get mugged behind the barn

   A Bachelor is one who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.

   Who does everyone listen to and no one believe? The weatherman.

   If 4 out of 5 people suffer with diarrhea,does that one person enjoy it?

   ..i got tired of the grass always being greener on the other side, so that's where I've been sending my dog to relieve herself.

   I try to be positive. Except on medical tests.

   A cop stopped me and asked "Your eyes look red,ma'am. Have you been smoking pot?" I replied "No sir. But your eyes looked glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"