Aaron Funny Status Messages

   Call off the search for Waldo. I think this large man on the bus, wearing a red and white striped hat, ate him.

   I was escorted out of the funeral before I was done high fiving everyone.

   I hate how the iPhone auto-corrects "f**k that" to "yes, dear".

   I am imperfection perfected.

   The computer just crashed and erased all the work I didn't do this morning.

   Just entered hour nine of an overly-dramatic sigh.

   If at first you don't succeed, try relaxing your jaw a little more.

   Lumber companies have a lot of board meetings..

   I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.

   Turns out cloud 10 is actually the accumulated farts of everyone on cloud 9.

   I hate to brag, but it's the most effortless way to enlighten people about my magnificence.

   bankruptcy spelled with one "oh sh*t" or two?

   I don't eat nuts at the bar. But I like to run my fingers through them and lick the salt off.

   I start drinking earlier and earlier everyday... I had to set my alarm this morning.

   If I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.

   Squirrelly, squirrelly on the street--you shoulda been quicker on your feet.

   "...and if elected, I promise you will never hear from me again..."

   Headed to Lowe's. After what I just did in the bathroom, it's best we just build another one.

   My girlfriend talks faster than the speed of sound. This explains why I never hear her.

   Ha ha there's nobody here. I'm going to steal the internet and sell it on ebay! Oh wait....