Funny Status Messages

   Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

   I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."

   Lori Loughlin is wondering how the Coronavirus got into Princeton and her kid didn’t.

   Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor

   Trump 2024

   “Mr. Biden, why are you a total loser?” Asks new White House reporter Ronald Crump.

   You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.

   To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you're happy now!!!

   Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks

   Just got catcalled by a construction worker, again. Why can't men realize that we just want to walk down the sidewalk without someone calling out "hey that cement is wet!"

   You would think I am a fugitive on the run the way I react when there is a knock on my door.

   If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone

   Magic Johnson wasted the world's best porn name on a basketball career

   Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.

   You can say "Have a nice day!" with no problem but you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours." without sounding mildly threatening.

   well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions

   Thinking of putting a Coronavirus Quarantine sign on my door to discourage solicitors.

   Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

   I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!

   After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it's worth.