sean Funny Status Messages

   What if you *didn't* put a giant sticker on your car that said what kind of car it is? That could be cool too...

   My wife just asked me if I noticed anything different about her hair, so took the easy way out and did a triple backflip into a volcano.

   Not to brag, but I come from Old Poverty.

   Just found my birth certificate. Ugh, it's official: I've gained weight.

   If a man says you're ugly he's being mean. If a woman says you're ugly she's envious. If a little kid says you're ugly, you're ugly.

   Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don't even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

   I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it's the scientists that aren't washing their hands?

   The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good.

   likes to applaud inanimate objects just to see if they react 

   fml...I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there...

   My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her 800.00 purse....

   I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

   Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free...

   I bet the worst part about being single is knowing that even Hitler found someone who loved him.

   I dress for success because getting dressed is the most successful thing I do all day.

   Don't assume I have a bad memory if I don't remember what you tell me. More than likely its becasue I don't like you enough to pay attention.

   SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who's ever used a cell phone will die.

   I'm not saying she's a slut.... but she got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job ..

   The NFL is taking it's crackdown on violence so seriously, the refs are now using rape whistles.

   My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a confused 8 year old with aspergers reading the list of toppings at Cold Stone.