andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Just saw a store that already has Easter decorations out

   There's no more dangerous entity on earth than a woman with a lot on her mind and nothing to do but think.

   I have had it with Jimmy Crackcorn and his blatant apathy!

   I miss the days when if a person took a billion pictures of their own face, they would end up being institutionalized.

   Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Hug your casual acquaintances. Fist bump a frenemy.

   Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.

   How to lose an argument with a woman. 1) Argue

   Some people are like eye-candy... I'm more like eye-meatloaf.

   Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together

   Debt collectors calling you? They dont call ME anymore after I answer the phone “Homicide, Detective Smith speaking, please give me your full name and direct affiliation with the victim who’s phone you’ve just called.” Problem solved!

   that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?

   Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.

   I never understood why people use a persons picture for their caller ID; me personally I prefer to take a picture of myself and how that person makes me feel.

   I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I’m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don’t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn't sign up for the position.

   I have no time for stupid people But they sure do have time for me.

   "Careful, there's dog poop on the dance floor." - how ballet was invented.

   I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.

   I stared into the abyss and the abyss was like, "Uh my eyes are up here!"

   red sky at morning, sailors take warning, sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight

   Basically the way it works is I tell myself I'm not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.