SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped.

   I hate gently tossing my phone on the bed and it ricocheting off three walls, hitting a lamp, and a cat.

   My advice for pretty much anything that's broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".

   I spanked myself twice before I left the house today so if you see me being naughty, chill out; I've dealt with it.

   Why don't people ever hoard good stuff? I if I were a hoarder, I'd have a house full of cupcakes and slip-n-slides.

   Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?

   I think these news stations are missing the boat with these marathon storm tracking sessions. They need to sell advertising! "This Tornado warning is brought to you by Glad Trash Bags. Glad...when you have to clean debris the next morning, don't get mad..

   You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

   Facebook has become the girlfriend you no longer like but are scared to dump because you've invested so much time in the relationship.

   I replied to your event invites with "maybe" because there wasn't a box for "I haven't seen you since high school, leave me alone."

   Never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn't hate.

   If you're riding shotgun, you're automatically on cop look-out. With great power comes great responsibility.

   Starting to think Herman Cain only ran for President so people would find out how much he gets laid.

   Whoever wants to kill Casey Anthony, should probably do so in Florida.

   Wrong # call=boring. Wrong # text message=fun. Someone text me "Carl, where the hell r u?" I responded "sex change, call you back as Carla."

   I sleep naked so if there's some sort of emergency I immediately make it sexy.

   "Vodka, Bourbon, Tequila!" - Me calling the shots.

   B!tches or not, 99 problems is still a sh!tload of problems.

   Reality is for people who can't afford high speed internet.

   I'm going to learn how to make balloon animals. just in case an emergency situation calls for the most annoying sound in the universe.