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X I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone's lawns so freshly mowed.
X Those Valentine's Day displays at the entrance of every store are like surprise parties for your loneliness.
X Everyone has the one mysterious toothbrush in the bathroom that nobody in your house uses or knows anything about.
X You know what my problem is? People telling me what my problem is.
X All I did was walk by an Abercrombie and Fitch and now my name is Trent, my shirt is off, and I'm really into shell necklaces.
X Ok, let's stop saying “Happy New Year” to everyone. It's January 7th and it's just awkward.
X "Page 404 Not Found" I wasn't even looking for page 404.
X I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway.
X You think you had a bad day? Clams are getting chowdered. CHOWDERED!
X You think you're pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone else's shower.
X Turns out, "Cowboys & Aliens" is NOT about Arizona's immigration laws.
X The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn't enough motivation to get off the couch.
X They should make Harry Potter brand condoms Protect your slytherin from hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets.
X Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks what is wrong with you.
X I don't keep a gun in my house but I do have a carefully positioned cactus.
X They say you're only as old as you feel, so I must be kinda-drunk-and-a-little-hungry years old.
X The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
X I sleep naked so if there's some sort of emergency I immediately make it sexy.
X Facebook is like a relationship, once you think you have it all figured out, everything changes.
X Maintaining a Facebook page for your dog is an easy way to let all your friends know you're crazy.