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X Spinning my mouse wheel because that's how I scroll
X I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
X I told a girl she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked pretty surprised.
X "We are upping our standards... so up yours!"
X Dear Egyptians, please chill the f**k out while we consult our groundhog for advice.
X has the brains of a horse and is hung like Einstein.
X Today's level of difficulty is shaping up to be "Wheelie on a unicycle."
X I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy's it would take to levitate?
X I'm so hungry I could drink 5 more beers.
X says I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I'm going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You'll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.”
X Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
X Can't believe it's 2011 and I still can't serve my jail sentence online.
X Try something spontaneous today. Like combustion.
X I don't wanna brag but that was the most perfectly executed 16 point turn of my life.
X Scared of dying alone? Become a careless bus driver!
X In case of emergency, break glass, scream, bleed to death.
X says the answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not....Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?
X Only you can prevent forest fires, and last year there was over 70,000 of them. What the f**k man. We trusted you.
X Just once I want to see a marathon winner cross the finish line and immediately fire up a cigarette.
X My bucket list is just the words "afford things" written in orange crayon on a paper towel.