Funny Status Messages Search

X Spinning my mouse wheel because that's how I scroll

<--Rate | Submitted: 04-17-2011 14:07 by Aaron Comments (0)

X I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-25-2011 10:34 by Aaron Comments (0)

X I told a girl she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked pretty surprised.

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-14-2011 12:03 by Aaron Comments (0)

X "We are upping our standards... so up yours!"

<--Rate | Submitted: 04-17-2010 17:27 by Aaron Comments (0)

X Dear Egyptians, please chill the f**k out while we consult our groundhog for advice.

<--Rate | Submitted: 02-02-2011 14:21 by Aaron Comments (0)

X has the brains of a horse and is hung like Einstein.

<--Rate | Submitted: 04-30-2010 13:10 by Aaron Comments (0)

X Today's level of difficulty is shaping up to be "Wheelie on a unicycle."

<--Rate | Submitted: 11-09-2010 15:28 by Aaron Comments (0)

X I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy's it would take to levitate?

<--Rate | Submitted: 10-07-2012 19:57 by Aaron Comments (0)

X I'm so hungry I could drink 5 more beers.

<--Rate | Submitted: 08-14-2012 19:35 by Aaron Comments (0)

X says I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I'm going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You'll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.”

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-16-2010 15:53 by Aaron Comments (0)

X Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-25-2013 09:28 by Aaron Comments (0)

X Can't believe it's 2011 and I still can't serve my jail sentence online.

<--Rate | Submitted: 02-03-2011 15:58 by Aaron Comments (0)

X Try something spontaneous today. Like combustion.

<--Rate | Submitted: 02-05-2011 14:39 by Aaron Comments (0)

X I don't wanna brag but that was the most perfectly executed 16 point turn of my life.

<--Rate | Submitted: 08-15-2011 18:42 by Aaron Comments (0)

X Scared of dying alone? Become a careless bus driver!

<--Rate | Submitted: 09-14-2011 18:39 by Aaron Comments (0)

X In case of emergency, break glass, scream, bleed to death.

<--Rate | Submitted: 04-17-2010 17:29 by Aaron Comments (0)

X says the answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not....Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-19-2010 21:23 by Aaron Comments (0)

X Only you can prevent forest fires, and last year there was over 70,000 of them. What the f**k man. We trusted you.

<--Rate | Submitted: 07-14-2011 01:17 by Aaron Comments (0)

X Just once I want to see a marathon winner cross the finish line and immediately fire up a cigarette.

<--Rate | Submitted: 06-14-2011 20:35 by Aaron Comments (0)

X My bucket list is just the words "afford things" written in orange crayon on a paper towel.

<--Rate | Submitted: 12-28-2011 18:50 by Aaron Comments (0)