Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Saw a store sign that read, “We treat you like family.” Well, NOT going in there.
←Rate | 05-07-2022 22:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you’re 50+ it’s time to leave them young girls alone and get yourself a woman that recognizes the signs of a stroke.
←Rate | 05-19-2022 07:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.
←Rate | 05-20-2022 05:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Doctor: Says here you get offended by strangers on the internet. I’m writing you a prescription for two testicles.
←Rate | 05-24-2022 22:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you’re afraid to live your life, then you have already died.
←Rate | 05-29-2022 00:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Coffee so strong, that for like 4 minutes you have hope.
←Rate | 05-29-2022 00:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Want to get back on your feet? Miss two car payments.
←Rate | 06-03-2022 02:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you’re on your 8th “dam, that’s crazy,” and they’re still telling you their story.
←Rate | 06-14-2022 02:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in face, but with words.
←Rate | 07-07-2022 00:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The closer the collapse of an empire, the crazier it’s laws.
←Rate | 05-13-2022 03:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wish I was a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, wake up beautiful.
←Rate | 05-15-2022 02:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When your girl takes her top off, but the antidepressants have killed your sex drive. Boobies, yes, I remember.
←Rate | 05-15-2022 02:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m sorry, the internet has ruined me. Whenever you say “shingles,” all I see in my head is Sean Connery scrolling through a dating app.
←Rate | 05-29-2022 00:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Catch Some Z's ~ It was first used to represent snoring and sleep in a 1903 comic strip called Katzenjammer Kids. Comic book artists used “z” in their work because of its association with the English idiom “sawing wood.”
←Rate | 05-29-2022 00:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The trash gets picked up tomorrow, be ready.
←Rate | 07-07-2022 00:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: Is your stomach flat? Him: Yeah, just the “L” is silent.
←Rate | 06-05-2022 02:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
←Rate | 08-05-2022 02:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tried to spoon a tall girl once and felt like a backpack.
←Rate | 05-19-2022 07:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Acupuncture ~ proving that stabbing someone can make things better.
←Rate | 05-25-2022 03:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just because it’s a bad idea does not mean it won’t be a good time.
←Rate | 06-03-2022 02:54 Comments (0)  

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