Funny Status Messages for FacebookThousands of statuses to update your Funny Facebook Status, Twitter status, or profile.
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X You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
X Whenever my children question my knowledge on any subject, I just remind them that their mother is older than the Internet.
X is Pregnant Kim Kardashian is moaning in a magazine, "Nothing looks good on me" I disagree. A grand piano dropped from a considerable height would.
X The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
X says I can't get out of bed. These blankets has accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now I might lose their trust!
X The South Koreans should do a psy-op on the North Koreans by placing massive TV’s at the border blasting Gangnam Style on a continuous loop.
X is I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
X says I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
X I shouldn't have had that 14th cup of coffee... I CAN'T EVEN BLINK ANYMORE!
X Hate it when girls make me do the walk of shame in the morning. So embarrassing circling my own apartment waiting for them to leave.
X Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes in the bathroom.
X says The best part about working directly with the public is that you become fluent in moron.
X is I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
X I tried to say no to the vodka but it was 40% stronger than me
X Everyone needs to understand that the whole world is being played.
X says I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
X I find it highly suspicious that the three bears had the dexterity to buy furniture and make porridge in the first place.
X says Ending sentences with prepositions is not something I have a problem with.
X says Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
X Wife gets a $20 gift card for Victoria's Secret, spends $380. Husband gets a $10 Lowes gift card, spends $12...