Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Humans: Dear God, please let 2023 be a good one…. God: You guys are still alive?
←Rate | 01-09-2023 03:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A dog and a cat are fighting about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “We are, because they named the canine tooth after us.” The cat smiles and says, “You are really not going to win this one.”
←Rate | 01-09-2023 04:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Oops, my bad. Thought I was dealing with an adult.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 04:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon (Overheard from the other room) 8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich? Grandma: Did you eat all your supper? 8yo: No. Grandma: Just one then. 😂
←Rate | 01-23-2023 02:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Anyone: Do you sleep with a fan? Me: I’d say my wife mostly likes me, but “fan” is pushing it. 😁
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A lot of people like BBQ ribs, but I make it look like an episode of the Walking Dead.
←Rate | 06-07-2022 17:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m tired of working on myself. From now on, I’m going to be unapologetically insane.
←Rate | 06-24-2022 23:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was taught to think before I act, so if I smack the crap out of you, rest assured that I’ve thought about it, and I feel confident in my decision.
←Rate | 06-28-2022 23:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girlfriend and I just had an entire conversation about hair bands before she realized I was talking about Motley Crue and she was talking about scrunchies.
←Rate | 06-28-2022 23:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don’t let anyone ruin your day. Be a man, ruin it yourself.
←Rate | 06-28-2022 23:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Security at every level of the airport is insane, until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s like, take whatever bag you want. 😂
←Rate | 01-24-2023 00:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don’t you hate it when you ask someone what time it is and they’re not wearing a watch, but they look at their wrist anyway and say, “it’s about a hair past a freckle.”
←Rate | 01-06-2023 01:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I yelled “Bingo!!” but refused to let you examine my card, would you give me the prize anyway?
←Rate | 01-06-2023 19:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just saved over 25 thousand dollars on a car battery because my car runs on gas.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 02:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never trust a girl named Natasha. Because, Natasha spelled backwards is “ah Satan.”
←Rate | 06-08-2022 01:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Death Row Guard: What would you like for your last meal? Condemned Woman: I don’t know, what do you want?
←Rate | 06-08-2022 01:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m old school, I still believe in respect.
←Rate | 06-10-2022 01:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Things are so bad, our leaders have admitted that UFOs exist and no one cares.
←Rate | 06-11-2022 01:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just because you’re driving 5 miles an hour over the speed limit does not mean that you can drive in the left lane. Some of us are trying to break the law for real.
←Rate | 06-20-2022 03:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Half of the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
←Rate | 06-23-2022 01:24 Comments (0)  

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