Aaron Funny Status Messages

   What I just did in that bathroom was so tragic that when I walked out, a Native American turned his head as a tear rolled down his cheek.

   I don't think you understand how far up the f**k you need to shut it.

   My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I didn't open his bill.

   I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won't do now; Things I won't do later; and, Things I'll never do.

   I may be addicted to brake fluid but I can stop at any time.

   If my roof ever catches on fire, I'll have trouble not repeating myself when I call 911.

   A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

   I turn the radio down when I drive by cops so there's no evidence of fun.

   You know your relationship is in trouble when she loads her vibrator with batteries from the TV remote, alarm clock and your pacemaker.

   I try to misbehave appropriately.

   I'm not a drunk. I just play one under the TV.

   Why is "patience" a virtue? Why can't "hurry the f*ck up" be a virtue?

   Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green..

   I have a new lease on life. Month to month. No utilities.

   Sign language: it's very handy.

   Time for some nighttime sniffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy head fever I can't feel my lips I think I just peed the bed medicine.

   Being a lot more reckless these days, ever since I found that 1-UP mushroom.

   Look at your man. Look at me. Look back at your man. Now look at me. What are we selling. I'm confused. Blame the mushrooms. I'm on a horse.

   I'm a whole new breed of special.

   The first time I got drunk, I threw up in a neighbor's silverware drawer. I just closed it and never looked back.