hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   I use my birthday as an excuse to do whatever the hell I want. So basically it's just like every other day, except with presents.

   Yawning is the body's way of saying '10% Battery Remaining'.

   Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.

   When someone says, "I think of you as family," I assume they're gonna scream at me for something that happened 15 years ago.

   If you're on the treadmill next to me, the answer is “Yes. We are racing.”

   What I know about you has earned my attention. What I don't know about you is what makes you interesting.

   I guess my main gifts are in the garage or still at the pet store or something. This is the only rational explanation I can think of.

   Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

   If more people knew what guys did with socks they'd stop giving them to their dad as gifts.

   If Apple made a car, would it have windows?

   Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.

   Every Taylor Swift song sounds like a long drawn out Facebook status

   I don't think I could be friends with anyone desperate enough to choose me as their emergency contact.

   I see Walmart is opening a dental office in select stores. I wonder if they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less

   I wish I could just “like” a text so I didn't have to respond.

   Fish don't seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.

   Life is uncertain which is why every morning, before I leave for work, I hug my kids and whisper "avenge me.."

   People with "KEEP OUT" signs in their yard grossly overestimate our desire to come visit them.

   Whenever I set the voice on my GPS to 'Bon Jovi' it just keeps telling me "We're half way there".

   There are many paths On the journey through life, I think I might have chose the psychopath....