Maureen Funny Status Messages

   When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don't have if they are asking me for advice.

   Whenever anyone asks me who I'm on the phone with I say...."Jake, from State Farm!"

   Just heard a weird noise from the other room, but refuse to call out “Is anyone there?” I've seen the movies...those people always die!

   Whenever my children question my knowledge on any subject, I just remind them that their mother is older than the Internet.

   My favorite yoga pose is the one where I stand upright, watching the class through the window while eating a cheeseburger.

   has found that when my son says "the other day", it can mean any time up to a year ago.

   The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it”

   Hitting the treadmill to release stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the people that cause the stress.......

   Hey Customer Service - Instead of monitoring this call for quality purposes, how about you just listen to what I need and fix it?!?

   Kia recalls 146,000 US vehicles - there are gonna be a LOT of angry hamsters!

   If at first you don't succeed, do it the way I told you!

   The downside of being tolerant is all the stuff you have to tolerate.

   Why won't the machines just take over already? I'm tired of doing stuff.

   so passed caring about how I dress any more. I just put on whatever makes me not naked and hope for the best

   Nothing ruins your Friday faster than realizing it's only Wednesday.

   just finishing up my taxes and am now a little worried about my tax software. It just recommended I slip across the border into Mexico.

   What the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH What my kids read: Touch when nobody is looking

   just asked my son - where would you be without your mother? His answer: "Probably in the middle of traffic, without my jacket on, talking to some stranger."

   - since it is the thought that counts...I'll just keep sitting here THINKING about being productive this evening

   would like "Reasons I Don't Want To Be At Work Today" for $200, Alex.