Gabe Funny Status Messages

   I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...

   Going outside to vacuum the driveway. I do this every so often... just to ensure the neighbors never talk to me...

   Walmart is asking customers to wear masks. Good luck with that. They can't even get them to wear pants...

   You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...

   When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

   I went on a blind date today. It didn't start out that way, but she brought pepper spray...

   My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the sofa in April and have grown bigger ever since...

   Me 9am, "I think I'll make roasted chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner."... Me 5pm, "Hi, I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza for delivery..."

   I never know if I have free time or if I just keep forgetting stuff...

   Out of all my body parts, my eyeballs are in the best shape because I roll them like 300 times a day...

   When this is all over, we'll need to wear our masks backwards for 3 to 4 weeks to get our ears back to normal...

   Don't believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was...

   Adulting is putting back a pack of chicken for $8.58 because you see one for $8.17...

   Looks like Bloomberg got stopped and frisked during the debate...

   Oh I can walk the walk. Just don't ask me to jog the jog or run the run...

   Of course I'm am an organ donor. Who wouldn't want a piece of this!?

   Based on the amount of laundry I do, I'm pretty sure there are people living here that I haven't met yet...

   I started homeschooling today. So far two students are suspended and the teacher was fired for drinking on the job...

   I went to a gender reveal party yesterday and was immediately told to put my clothes back on...

   It's a five minute walk from my home to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering...