Fazzella Funny Status Messages

   I don't understand why people have to say hurtful things. Like "let's go to the gym" or " try this kale"

   In celebration of Earth Day, I went outside and stared at the ground for a little while.

   Memorial Day Tip: This year, throw veggie burgers on the grill and next year, someone else will host the cookout.

   Anyway, I didn't see a debate. I saw two grumpy old married people arguing at Wal Mart.

   I'm trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.

   If you think your life can't get any worse, just remember...you could be Mike Tyson in a Chinese restaurant trying to order the Sweet and Sour Shrimp.

   The election in a nutshell: We let the p*ssies play pin the tail on the donkey for a while, then shut the party down.

   Some woman just gave me a hard time for smoking my whole life. She said if I didn't smoke, I could afford a Maserati. I asked her if she ever smoked and she said, "Never." I go, "Where's your Maserati?"

   Social Media is a cruel and shallow disingenuous trench, a long cyber hallway where lies and anger run free, and good people are treated like dogs. There's also a negative side.

   Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo: The Feast of the 5 Mayonnaises: Hellmann's-Kraft-Duke's-Blue Plate and Miracle Whip

   If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ? The dog, of course; He'll shut up once you let him in.

   No need to build a wall. Just have Rosie O'Donnell lay down on the Mexican/American border.

   It seems Michael Moore attained, at least partially, one of the two things he desperately needs, which is humility. We can only hope the other will soon be forthcoming....a bath.

   Charlie Bucket: It's about time, Wilder. Now do I get the factory?

   So Hillary's VP plays harmonica. That's all we need. More blowing in the Oval Office.

   Trump is the tornado. And Hillary is the trailer park.

   RIP: The artist formerly known as Alive.

   I'm not exactly sure what went down last night. But I woke up in my bed partially clothed, and found business cards in my pocket from a lawyer, a chirpractor, and the Shriners Women's Auxiliary.

   Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

   I wanted to join the Army. The sign said "Be all that you can be." They told me it wasn't enough.