Dani Funny Status Messages

   According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful!

   You're not yourself today... I noticed the improvement immediately!!

   With everything going on lately... I've got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!

   Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

   I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent... twisted... gyrated... jumped up and down... and perspired for a half an hour. But by the time I got my tights on.... the class was over!

   If a man says something in the woods and there is no woman there to hear him.... is he still wrong?!

   I dress to kill.... and have been told I cook the same way!

   I was asked if I liked blowing bubbles... but I am not sure. Who is Bubbles?!

   I've learned that no matter how much I try... how much I care... or how much I do...... some people are just @ssholes!

   Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What's your name?!

   I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment ... and a stomach virus ... and an inner ear infection.

   You know you have an awesome bra... when you can do the entire 'Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes' song.... with just a slight adjustment of the shoulder straps!

   Do you think you could drive better if I shoved that cell phone up your @ss? Talk or Drive... PICK ONE!!

   I know a million ways to always pick the wrong thing to say! Hey... I'm multi-talented!! I can talk and piss you off at the same time!

   My hubby is on suicide watch ... All because I reminded him that we vowed to be together 'Til Death do us part'!

   I sound so good singing after a couple drinks, that my neighbors even called the cops to come and hear me too!

   It is so nice that so many people have learned the golden rule "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". The unfortunate part is... no one talks to anyone anymore!

   I don't do drugs. I can get the same effect just standing up fast!

   Women like silent men... they think they're listening!

   why do they say that you can't buy friends?! I haven't had a problem with that! It's keeping them after I am broke ...that is the problem!!