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X If you watch Godzilla backwards its about a dinosaur who passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea.
X I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I'll take a Dirty Hammock."
X Ugh. Do I really need to register to your website to leave a comment? I just need to disagree with this assh0le real quick.
X It's too bad you can't punch someone's personality.
X 'MAY' contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn't. DON'T WASTE MY TIME
X I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I'm going to be too busy sitting on mine.
X I've found "the more the merrier" to be a dangerously inaccurate cliché.
X Facebook has become the girlfriend you no longer like but are scared to dump because you've invested so much time in the relationship.
X Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don't trust it. Everyone knows it's impossible to drive without eating the fries.
X Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
X I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
X At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, "Make it 52"
X People who bring their own bags to the grocery store always look like they're waiting for applause.
X I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
X The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
X May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
X Leaving a watermelon on someone's doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
X I guess what I'm proudest of is my ability to make the tough choices in hypothetical situations.
X The coolest thing about being a dog must be the ability to use your own ass for a pillow.
X I should probably press charges on myself after the shower I just took.