Funny Status Messages

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 1 of 5951

   messageicon "What's the new baby's name?" "We don't know..we can't understand a word he says!"
←Rate | 09-23-2018 07:24 by Truman Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've been having a problem with nuisance phone calls! The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the pub three hours ago!"
←Rate | 09-23-2018 06:58 by Truman Comments (0)  

   messageicon one nation under god and indivisible they say. We have never been more divided.
←Rate | 09-23-2018 02:13 by Meh! Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can someone NOT on welfare lend me their social insurance number so I can get a little extra income, I'll go splits with ya
←Rate | 09-22-2018 23:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon HEY, I wrote the manual on ADD…. Well, it's not actually a manual. It's only 3 sentences…. The rest is a drawing of a giant space robot eating a skyscraper made of muffins.
←Rate | 09-22-2018 21:56 by Scstarman Comments (1)  

   messageicon You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. But there's one problem….. You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. You're not fooling anyone.
←Rate | 09-22-2018 21:55 by Scstarman Comments (1)  

   messageicon I was wondering. How do vampires shave and get ready for work if they can't see in the mirror?
←Rate | 09-22-2018 21:55 by Scstarman Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bought a bottle of Himalayan salt today. It's supposed to be two hundred and fifty million years old. I just noticed the expiration date is July, 2019. Good thing they dug it up when they did.
←Rate | 09-22-2018 21:53 by Scstarman Comments (1)  

   messageicon Sometimes I think sharks eat people just so they can be on tv.
←Rate | 09-22-2018 21:51 by Scstarman Comments (0)  

   messageicon So, if you are crediting a woman for something, and treating them equally, you might be a idiot 1ibera1.
←Rate | 09-22-2018 20:41 by Con Comments (0)  

   messageicon What can I say? Stupid people love me.
←Rate | 09-22-2018 18:36 by DonaldTrump Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do squirrels ever die from old age or are they all murdered?
←Rate | 09-22-2018 17:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I see you unblocked me. Please, block me again.
←Rate | 09-22-2018 17:04 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Life is an ever expanding list of things that you used to enjoy.
←Rate | 09-22-2018 17:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lady, are you a Kardashian because I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
←Rate | 09-22-2018 17:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon As a contractor, I want to say that Trump tariffs are causing rise in rebuilding costs after hurricane.
←Rate | 09-22-2018 13:27 by Wolf Comments (1)  

   messageicon If you don't need to change your shirt after eating a hot dog you're not doing it right!
←Rate | 09-22-2018 13:14 by Truman Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know when Fall season has shown up. Crappy door wreaths everywhere.
←Rate | 09-22-2018 10:37 by Rick Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can anyone suggest a good wine that pairs nicely with having an insane president?
←Rate | 09-22-2018 10:11 Comments (7)  

   messageicon I can’t complain. I have plenty of sex. With myself.
←Rate | 09-22-2018 10:10 Comments (0)  


Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left