Snotty Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Forgot to wear my Sons of Anarchy shirt to Walmart again.
←Rate | 09-05-2017 20:03 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon [shark tank] me: I have an idea for ridiculously wide sunglasses.. shark 1: i'm out... shark 2: i'm out..... hammerhead shark: i'm listening
←Rate | 09-04-2017 16:46 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: I need a doctor's appointment... Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?... Me: No, I don't need that many
←Rate | 09-01-2017 19:16 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon the percentage of people who "tell you what they want, what they really really want" has dropped drastically since 1996
←Rate | 08-06-2017 20:11 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.
←Rate | 08-01-2017 07:33 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.
←Rate | 07-30-2017 20:28 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon My doctor put me on a low sodium/no alcohol diet recently. I've lost 6 pounds so far... I also know joy weighs 6 pounds now.
←Rate | 07-25-2017 21:14 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
←Rate | 06-27-2017 19:36 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I saw a guy hit 2 good balls today playing golf. He stepped on a rake.
←Rate | 06-17-2017 15:22 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Fun fact: if you shush a librarian they have to grant you three wishes.
←Rate | 06-16-2017 08:38 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I thought a skunk would be faster considering the racing stripes and all.... *continues to unload tomato soup cans at check out
←Rate | 06-08-2017 20:31 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon ICEBERGS: Ha ha!.. We just sunk the Titanic... HUMANS: Oh yeah?... We'll show you. . We'll show ALL you!... *starts global warming
←Rate | 06-06-2017 06:48 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Who needs conspiracy theories when reality is crazy enough lately. .. ugh
←Rate | 06-04-2017 16:59 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren't you Ice-T?"
←Rate | 06-04-2017 16:56 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm by no means an athlete, but I just did a perfect Triple Lutz getting out of my hammock
←Rate | 06-04-2017 16:55 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon The IKEA #Covfefe organizer clips onto the lid of the toilet seat and holds a cell phone, diet Pepsi, and a plate of .
←Rate | 05-31-2017 19:48 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon 23 million?.. To put that in perspective, if you laid them all end to end,,, you can just bury them easier.
←Rate | 05-25-2017 23:56 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
←Rate | 05-25-2017 23:33 by snotty Comments (1)  


   messageicon Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.
←Rate | 05-18-2017 15:18 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon When Spock mind melds with Kirk they're collectively known as Spork.
←Rate | 05-18-2017 15:17 by snotty Comments (1)  


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