SEAN Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon My wife says I am paranoid.. of course that's what I'd expect an undercover CIA agent to say..
←Rate | 10-03-2017 10:38 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon my therapist told me to write letters to everyone I hate and then to burn them, now I don't know what to do with all these letters...
←Rate | 10-03-2017 10:35 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
←Rate | 10-03-2017 10:27 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon my bodies a temple...Well more like a catholic church,, full of wine bread and guilt...
←Rate | 08-21-2017 19:18 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon The worst part of working for the Department of Unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.
←Rate | 08-19-2017 11:24 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon My ex-wife was such a fabulous cook, even the smoke detectors cheered her on....
←Rate | 07-10-2017 14:38 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey
←Rate | 04-13-2017 22:34 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just got in an argument w the drive thru cashier at McDonalds.. #ArchMadness ‬
←Rate | 04-04-2017 09:33 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not saying she's a slut.... but she got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job ..
←Rate | 04-03-2017 16:36 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me this morning before work.... "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm already married."
←Rate | 03-02-2017 11:10 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ive started reading my boys facebook statuses at night instead of bedtime stories, so they'll understand the importance of an education.....
←Rate | 02-13-2017 13:47 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Tonight I changed my wife's contacts in her phone. She should be getting texts tomorrow from Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger and have no idea who they are, I doubt she'll be upset......
←Rate | 02-10-2017 15:08 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Balls - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
←Rate | 02-10-2017 15:08 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon A terrible waitress asked me for a tip last night.... I said don't make snow angels at dog parks.......
←Rate | 02-10-2017 13:41 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Now Falcons fans feel like Hillary supporters felt like on election night
←Rate | 02-05-2017 22:35 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon I really hope these new sanctions on Russia doesn't affect Vidka prices
←Rate | 12-30-2016 13:00 by SEAN Comments (1)  


   messageicon I'll call and report my car as stolen before I admit that I forgot where I parked it.
←Rate | 12-29-2016 17:00 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
←Rate | 12-29-2016 16:57 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just bought a thesaurus at Goodwill, I got home to discover all the pages are blank, I have no words to describe how angry I am...
←Rate | 11-02-2016 12:04 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon After discovering that Anthony Weiner got Hillary Clinton in trouble Bill Clinton breeze a sigh of relief because it's the first time his wiener hasn't gotten Hillary in trouble
←Rate | 10-29-2016 08:36 by SEAN Comments (0)  


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