Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump


Search Messages:
«Previous
1
Page: 1 of 5874

   messageicon When I was a kid, staring at a wall used to be considered a punishment.
←Rate | 08-17-2019 20:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Go jump in a lake! No I mean like literally, it's good to do on hot days like this.
←Rate | 08-17-2019 15:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just want to be as happy as most people pretend to be on Facebook.
←Rate | 08-17-2019 11:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon We don't want affordable health care! We demand tax cuts for billionaires!
←Rate | 08-17-2019 10:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: why are you leaving? -me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
←Rate | 08-17-2019 06:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam. Siri: Step over the dog.
←Rate | 08-17-2019 06:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
←Rate | 08-17-2019 06:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon therapist: you suffer from social isolation me: oh no therapist: you just need to talk to people me: OH NO
←Rate | 08-17-2019 06:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Life as a woman is just adding new body parts to your shaving regimen every year until you die.
←Rate | 08-17-2019 06:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
←Rate | 08-17-2019 06:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
←Rate | 08-17-2019 06:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some things are better left unsaid Tequila - No they're not
←Rate | 08-17-2019 06:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
←Rate | 08-17-2019 06:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I used the entire box of tissues to blow my nose at my therapist's office to make a point about her switching to a subpar generic brand and instead of apologizing about the tissues all she could talk about is some idea that I'm passive aggressive.
←Rate | 08-17-2019 06:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college" #SpoiledKidsComplaints
←Rate | 08-17-2019 06:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
←Rate | 08-17-2019 06:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars - might recommend.* *mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
←Rate | 08-17-2019 06:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in. His head near his mother and his feet kicking my c
←Rate | 08-17-2019 06:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Peter Fonda died. Let me guess, Hilary killed her too?
←Rate | 08-16-2019 22:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon you know your farts really stink when the dog get up and leaves the room
←Rate | 08-16-2019 21:48 Comments (0)  



«Previous
1

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left