Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I remember when I used to get nostalgic. Those were the days...

   Like this status if you're the type of person who likes to carry all your groceries into your house in one trip, but then realize at the front door you have so many bags in your hands you can't get the keys out of pocket.

   Besides my good looks, honesty, charm, witty personality and my incredible sense of humor I have to say that my greatest characteristic is my modesty.

   Damn! Even the NBA title left the U.S under the Trump administration.

   Live music can sometimes take me to another place. Like today for example I saw a band who were so bad I left I went to another place.

   Sarah Sanders says she hopes to be remembered for being "honest and transparent". Yeah, and Stormy Daniels will be remember for being a virgin...

   Live music can sometimes take me to another place. Like today for example I saw a band who were so bad I left I went to another place spirit.

   Job well done Sarah now lets put Candace in and really make Libs cry

   BREAKING: Sarah Sanders resigns, goes back to lying for free

   I don't want to live anymore I'm going on vacation to Santo Domingo

   it OK to cut in front of someone wearing all Camouflage?

   Just once in my life I'd like to finish a project as easily as they make it seem in the how to YouTube videos.

   Me no study, me no care, me go marry a millionaire. If he die, me no cry, me go marry another rich guy.

   I don't care who you are, accepting foreign campaign help is not A-OK!

   There's a prince of whales? I hope he doesn't venture into Japanese waters.

   If you gets a link called 'free porn' don't open it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelchek and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it. Lil

   Word of advice guys. When a girl says "Awe thanks, that's so sweet of you" take a hint as what she's really trying to say is "Back to the friendzone with you!"

   Congrats on your recent weight loss! Now if only you could cardio your way to a better face

   Sorry this card’s a bit late, but I guess you used to think you showed up a bit late... like bad decisions and condoms. Congrats on your new baby!

   Ladies, don't be getting your panties all in a bunch. The ones sold individually are much nicer.