Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 1 of 5763

   messageicon When I was in our laundry room today, I saw that our ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 10:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What’s the traditional gift for a 24 year anniversary? Is it murder? Please say it’s murder.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 09:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is absolutely zero chance that Trump knows the difference between North and South Korea.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 08:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 08:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just applied for a job with the local police. While I wait for their reply, should I start going after criminals or is it too soon?
←Rate | 05-26-2018 04:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rise and shine? At the same time? It can only be one or the other.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 01:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Doctor: It’s a girl Me: *starts sobbing* Doc: Are you OK? Me: Yes I'm just thinking about all the free alcohol she's going to get
←Rate | 05-26-2018 01:40 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Just sort of hoping for accidental success at this point.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 01:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Throw a drink at Tomi Lahren? In this economy?
←Rate | 05-26-2018 01:31 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen. Me: so was this pie
←Rate | 05-26-2018 01:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Looking forward to the day when karma catches up with donnie.
←Rate | 05-25-2018 23:33 Comments (4)  

   messageicon I spent alot of time trying to get all of my eldest relatives together in one room with no luck............. Then BINGO
←Rate | 05-25-2018 22:23 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Where do babies like to go for lunch....... Hooters
←Rate | 05-25-2018 20:34 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don't take me jogging with you today"?
←Rate | 05-25-2018 19:37 by Jsabbage Comments (0)  

   messageicon I rather give up my children than my guns. I stand by my statement and proud of it!
←Rate | 05-25-2018 18:50 Comments (4)  

   messageicon How does the Hamburglar introduce his girlfriend....... Meet Patty.
←Rate | 05-25-2018 18:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This post is about me having strep throat so please don’t share
←Rate | 05-25-2018 16:32 by Smeebert Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's been 10 years since I was in school. But every day the school bully still takes my lunch money........ He works at Mc. Donalds.
←Rate | 05-25-2018 15:43 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today's school shooting, in Santa Fe, marks the 23rd time a school shooting has happened in the USA. Congratulations people, you should be real proud of yourselves.
←Rate | 05-25-2018 15:04 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Mom #1: That's it. I've had it. I'm selling my kid on eBay. Mom #2: Don't be silly. You made him. Sell him on etsy.
←Rate | 05-25-2018 12:28 Comments (0)  


Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left