Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I talked to God, and oh boy, is he ever pissed off at conservatives. I'm so glad I'm not in your shoes.

   A wheel works. A wall works. To bad you don't work.

   I've had a TERRIBLE day. The only thing that will help are YOUR BOOBS!

   Americans, try to remember when you next go to an all you can eat buffet, It's an offer, not a challenge!

   [Returning a mattress] ME: Yes, I was told this was king size, but my child is 3 feet tall and somehow takes up all of it.

   When I was a kid, the only password you had to remember was the one that got you into the treehouse.

   When I drink I can't type worth sh1t. But I can butt dial like a pro.

   I don't rise and shine, the best I can do is get up and gripe.

   WRONG Wall-nut. Walls are older than the wheel. Cave people had cave walls that they drew on way before the wheel was invented.

   Being an adult is eating the crust not because you like it, but because you paid for it.

   I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.

   I feel sorry for those poor athletes who thought they were visiting the White House, and instead wound up at White Castle. #hamberders

   Y’all ever inhale a dog's fart and think “this is it, this is how I die.”

   C’mere. Smell my finger.

   Wall-nut thinks that the government people not receiving pay checks agree with him 100%. Yea, right !

   Oh wow, According to him, all cars have wheels. Did you know that ?

   He claims to be a professional at technology, yet he can't close an umbrella.

   I am gonna order 1000 hamberders and make Taco Bell pay for them!

   The rich man glories in his greed; the humble man feeds hundreds and stays silent.

   I spent the last night defrosting the fridge. Or, Foreplay as she calls it.