Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 1 of 5663

   messageicon When it feels like your moral compass always points south.
←Rate | 12-11-2017 14:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you can’t decide between two things, toss a coin. Not because it will decide for you, but in that brief moment it’s flipping in the air, you will realize what you really wish for.
←Rate | 12-11-2017 07:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My great-grandfather fought in World War I and survived mustard gas and pepper spray. You might say he was a seasoned veteran.
←Rate | 12-11-2017 07:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never treat someone like an iPhone6s if they treat you like a Nokia 3310
←Rate | 12-11-2017 04:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Million dollar idea: Uber but for gift wrapping. That way my wife wouldn't think an epileptic monkey on crack wrapped her gift.
←Rate | 12-11-2017 04:43 by unknowncomic Comments (1)  

   messageicon I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.
←Rate | 12-11-2017 04:37 by huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon My theory is that Big Foot is in hiding because he's self conscious about the size of his feet.
←Rate | 12-11-2017 04:26 by Flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Army Navy game. The only game where all the members of both teams have sworn an oath to lay down their lives for the spectators.
←Rate | 12-10-2017 22:34 Comments (1)  

   messageicon If your left leg was thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I come visit you between the holidays?
←Rate | 12-10-2017 21:27 Comments (2)  

   messageicon We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch
←Rate | 12-09-2017 23:04 Comments (1)  

   messageicon That awkward time when you post something on Facebook that nobody likes...
←Rate | 12-09-2017 20:48 Comments (1)  

   messageicon According to this ancestry dot com report, you come from a long line of fools and their money spent on reports
←Rate | 12-09-2017 19:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Once again this year, Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.
←Rate | 12-09-2017 16:14 Comments (2)  

   messageicon "Oh wow, it's a fruit cake! I'm going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
←Rate | 12-09-2017 16:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Xmas idea: let your child watch Chucky, then explain Elf on the Shelf
←Rate | 12-09-2017 15:12 by TD Comments (0)  

   messageicon God is love, but Lucifer does that thing with his tongue.
←Rate | 12-09-2017 14:26 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Have you ever read a book or watched a movie that touched your soul so deeply it changed your entire outlook on life? I just took a dump like that….
←Rate | 12-09-2017 11:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love how coffee fixes everything. Tired? Drink some coffee. Headache? Drink coffee. Cold? Drink coffee. Someone makes your angry? Bust them in the head with a hot cup of coffee!
←Rate | 12-09-2017 10:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What ever kind of medicine Nancy Pelosi is taking doesn't seem to be working.
←Rate | 12-09-2017 08:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
←Rate | 12-09-2017 08:36 by UncleBubba Comments (0)  


Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left