Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here are 5 things you should know about me: 1. I’m very secretive

   Uh oh. My car's GPS asked me, "Who's Siri?"

   I'm an 80-year old woman, and I shaved and cleaned down there in case Donald Trump comes over.

   john doe

   Beto is like the guy that gets cut from the High School football team and says now he's going to join the NFL

   My wife asked me "What was the last movie you watched that made you cry?" "Our wedding video." was not the right answer.

   The jack@as at the bar just told me I would look good with my panties around my ankles...Pfft! There is No Way I'm digging through my purse to find them.

   Please, please, please, can someone please explain to me how it makes you a traitor to choose what's best for the US over your party, like how John McCain did!

   Life lesson 249: A short temper is not a sign of strength.

   Just so everybody's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.

   What's the dumbest thing you ever believed as a child? That people above 18 years of age are automatically adults.

   I put my fitbit on the refrigerator handle. Amazing, my daily activity has increased 10 fold....that's the ticket....

   My noise reduction feature on my new hearing aid dosen't work..... I can still hear my wife yapping.

   Cop: Sir,do I have your permission to search your vehicle ? Me: If I say no,will you bring the K-9 unit out ? Cop: Yes ! Me: Can I pet the dog ?

   I'm holding a Twitter conspiracy meeting tonight. Don't tell Devin.

   ‪I need a tax person who’s not afraid of prison. ‬

   Mmmmmm, I want some hamberders.

   I'm Irish for a day.

   To celebrate St Patrick's Day, I think I'll go to my favorite Irish restaurant. McDonalds.

   No one hits me with an egg and gets away with it!