Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I can't wait till I retire so I can get up at 6 am and drive everywhere slow AF.
←Rate | 02-23-2018 23:39 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think the best way to fight insomnia is redecorate my bedroom to look like Ms. Stewart's 10th grade math class
←Rate | 02-23-2018 15:53 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon Most people say they are in favor of free speech until you say something they don't like
←Rate | 02-23-2018 15:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks because he thinks they are stupid
←Rate | 02-23-2018 15:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate arriving early, I hate showing up late, but what I really hate having to be there
←Rate | 02-23-2018 15:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If someone doesn't get started on my laundry soon I'll be wearing a suit to cut the grass tomorrow morning
←Rate | 02-23-2018 15:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Abe Lincoln says to his neighbor, "Jim, your lawn is looking really un-kept". The neighbor replies, "I know, I use to have someone that took care of that for me. Thanks a lot, you d1ck!".
←Rate | 02-23-2018 14:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
←Rate | 02-23-2018 14:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me: Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone. I hear you call my name and it feels like home. Priest: I don't believe that is an actual prayer... Me: No, but it's like a prayer.
←Rate | 02-23-2018 13:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Daisy Dukes make my General Lee stand at attention.
←Rate | 02-23-2018 13:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I would listen to everything Dana Loesch says because she's friggin' hot!
←Rate | 02-23-2018 12:56 Comments (1)  

   messageicon mechanic says the weird sound I hear in my car is me sighing
←Rate | 02-23-2018 12:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We really do need a rating system for movies so children won't be influenced by watching the wrong movies.
←Rate | 02-23-2018 11:44 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Why is it that losing with dignity and grace is no longer the right thing to do?
←Rate | 02-23-2018 11:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When they ship styrofoam. What do the pack it in?
←Rate | 02-23-2018 05:47 by Justasking Comments (2)  

   messageicon Girls want attention, Women want respect. But Men want both... And I mean - both Girls and Women
←Rate | 02-23-2018 05:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
←Rate | 02-23-2018 05:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My salt shaker has been clogged for two years now, so don't come to me with your issues
←Rate | 02-23-2018 05:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Flordia is more concern about protecting kids from pornogaphy then gun violance :-(
←Rate | 02-23-2018 03:49 Comments (6)  

   messageicon Celebrities: quit selling guns. No one needs gun beside my bodyguard
←Rate | 02-23-2018 00:56 by Tomarrah Comments (0)  


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