Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My kids are so aware that I'm a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
←Rate | 10-21-2019 17:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp and kill a cat.
←Rate | 10-21-2019 17:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government. 1. You must be old. Really above 75 years old. 2.The older you're, the higher your chances. 3. Death is an added advantage.
←Rate | 10-21-2019 16:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish I could close my eyes and all these 3-years was just a nightmare.
←Rate | 10-21-2019 15:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So are we just going to ignore the fact that all adults have a favorite stovetop burner & no one talks about it
←Rate | 10-21-2019 14:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Allow your children to believe in Santa Claus. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining the magic for you .
←Rate | 10-21-2019 14:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you’re arguing loudly on your cell in public, please put it on speaker. I need to hear both sides of the story. ‬
←Rate | 10-21-2019 10:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know you're a classic VW owner if your friends always ask to borrow tools when you stop by because they know you're carrying them with you.
←Rate | 10-21-2019 08:54 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I die, please don’t do an autopsy. Whatever happened is fine.
←Rate | 10-21-2019 06:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Saw a great movie about fishing. reel good cast.
←Rate | 10-21-2019 06:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nobody Ask you For More Favors Than.... The Cops! Hey Buddy Do Me A Favor.. #StepOutTheVehicle Do Me A Favor.. #TurnAroundFaceTheCar Do Me A Favor.. #PutYourHandsBehindUrBack
←Rate | 10-20-2019 20:57 by ShakaB Comments (0)  

   messageicon What did Sushi-A say to Sushi-B? Wasabi.
←Rate | 10-20-2019 17:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every Final Destination movie ending: Death wins, everyone who survived the accident in the beginning, dies.
←Rate | 10-20-2019 17:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Took my phone to the men's room once-didn't realize I was streaming live..
←Rate | 10-20-2019 15:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Selling scotch during a prohibition is whiskey business.
←Rate | 10-20-2019 15:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why did the Galaxy Karaoke phone fail? It always played the Samsung over and over again.
←Rate | 10-20-2019 15:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My math teacher called me average. How mean!
←Rate | 10-20-2019 15:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My sister used to date a guy who played professional hockey in Calgary. He's an old Flame.
←Rate | 10-20-2019 15:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon *pulls out earbud* What? "We need to talk." *pulls out earbud* "You've been spending too much time at Chernobyl." *pulls out earbud* No way
←Rate | 10-20-2019 15:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Give a man a fish and he'll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
←Rate | 10-20-2019 15:09 Comments (0)  


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