Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 1 of 5761

   messageicon It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 17:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 13:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks
←Rate | 05-20-2018 12:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 12:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon All aboard the Prison Bus...oops, I mean The Trump Train.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 12:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you come back home from the dump with more stuff then you left with...... You might be a trumpian.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 05:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 05:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Oh Sunday, the official day of choreographed religion.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 04:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Happy Mueller versary... Happy Mueller versary... Happy Mueller versary... Haaaa pppy Mueller versary. Happy versary... Happy versary... Happy versary... Happy Mueller versary.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 01:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Witch hunt, witch hunt, whitch hunt. Another Jan Brady syndrome.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 01:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've got the "Who colluded with the colluder's if the colluder's didn't collude blues."
←Rate | 05-20-2018 00:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You've got a friend in me.... You've got a friend indeed..... Who can hook you up...... With hoo*ers that pee..... You've got a friend in me.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 00:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 23:37 by Mark.Twain Comments (0)  

   messageicon There were more people at the Royal Wedding than Trump's inauguration. Just saying.....
←Rate | 05-19-2018 22:18 Comments (2)  

   messageicon If ever took a beer to a job interview..... You might be a trumpian.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 22:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you walk with your son to school because you both are in the same grade....... You might be a trumpian.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 21:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your wife is your sister's, sister........ You might be a trumpian.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 21:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guess all the Toys R Us kids have all grown up.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 21:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Job opening at Mc. Cormick: person with 20/20 eye sight to pick fly s*it out of black pepper.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 20:46 Comments (1)  

   messageicon TOYS aren't US
←Rate | 05-19-2018 20:38 Comments (0)  


Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left