Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.

   Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.

   Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks

   Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.

   All aboard the Prison Bus...oops, I mean The Trump Train.

   If you come back home from the dump with more stuff then you left with...... You might be a trumpian.

   I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

   Oh Sunday, the official day of choreographed religion.

   Happy Mueller versary... Happy Mueller versary... Happy Mueller versary... Haaaa pppy Mueller versary. Happy versary... Happy versary... Happy versary... Happy Mueller versary.

   Witch hunt, witch hunt, whitch hunt. Another Jan Brady syndrome.

   I've got the "Who colluded with the colluder's if the colluder's didn't collude blues."

   You've got a friend in me.... You've got a friend indeed..... Who can hook you up...... With hoo*ers that pee..... You've got a friend in me.

   "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.

   There were more people at the Royal Wedding than Trump's inauguration. Just saying.....

   If ever took a beer to a job interview..... You might be a trumpian.

   If you walk with your son to school because you both are in the same grade....... You might be a trumpian.

   If your wife is your sister's, sister........ You might be a trumpian.

   Guess all the Toys R Us kids have all grown up.

   Job opening at Mc. Cormick: person with 20/20 eye sight to pick fly s*it out of black pepper.

   TOYS aren't US