Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   what do you call a group of humans? an infestation

   Judo is what you use to make bagels. 🥯

   I don't know what's worse: Being caught cheating at a Coldplay concert, or just plain caught being at a Coldplay concert.

   I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add

   The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.

   Burger King has debuted its bacon sundae. It comes with whipped cream and a note that says "Do not resuscitate."

   f Oxygen was discovered in 1772.... what did people breathe before then?

   Old groupies never die. Their pussies merely dry up and wither away.

   As a kid, I used to watch the Wizard of Oz and wonder how the scarecrow could talk without a brain. Then I got Facebook.

   If humans are involved, the propensity for disaster exists.