Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With "HIM" as our leader, marijuana should be legalized in every state to help us cope with him as being our leader.

   Congrats to the Los Angeles Refs, NFC champs.

   Who the hell told Cardi B that her opinion matters when it comes to our country? We live in some sad times. Also a picture of an egg is the most liked picture EVER on Instagram. Sad SAD times!!!

   No one in DC cares about doing what's right, they only want the opposite of what the other party wants...

   I'm pretty sure the hotel receptionist was checking me out!

   Gorillas don't lift. Think about that. Take a minute and think about that. What if they discover push-ups one day? We need to kill them all.

   Silence is golden. Unless you have teenagers. Then it becomes suspicious.

   When I'm grilling a stake, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water. Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

   The only time I would tell wall-nut to keep going, is if he was walking out to the end of a pier.

   For someone who eats a lot of them, how could of spelled it "HAMBERDERS" ?

   Thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, then realized it said "THICK CUT"

   OK. What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?

   I guess border wall funding wasn't a priority when we had a working gov't and a Rep Congress the last 2 years...

   Here's an idea. How about if every person who doesn't want a wall will have to pay a fine? Sort of like Obamacare.

   The real reason for the government shutdown. He can't get arrested by the government if it is shutdown.

   Pelosi, first senator to make the no fly list. . .

   My new coffee mug now says "Don't even talk to me until I've had my paycheck".

   Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

   If there are no snacks, don’t even bother inviting me to your orgy.

   I thought 23 & me was a doumentary about Michael Jordan spending time with an old lady.