thejoke.cafe Funny Status Messages

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,… to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

   My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, “that’s amazing how the hell did he know all that?” My dad replied, “the judge told him.”

   Facebook, making people who would’nt talk in the street wish each other Happy Birthday since 2004.

   I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”

   Cheer Up Hillary Clinton. Nelson Mandela wasn’t elected president, until after serving 27 years in prison.

   Kanye West is said to be recovering well in hospital after an 8 hour operation to remove his head from his ass.

   My wife threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop with the endless flamingo impressions. So I had to put my foot down.

   Kanye West 'hospitalised in Los Angeles'. Our thoughts and prayers go out at this difficult time to the hospital staff.

   Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.

   Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf... but he didn't listen.

   I’m just a social drinker. Every time someone says, “I’ll have a drink”, I say, “Social I.”

   After dating for 2 months she wanted to meet my parents. I said baby chill...I waited 9 months to meet my own.

   Thank God the American Elections are over. Now the rest of the world can go back to hating their own politicians.

   What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?

   My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers. I didn’t even know she sold them.

   Do gun manuals have a "trouble shooting?" section?

   It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most …

   Kim Kardashian held at gunpoint and made to put her clothes back on.

   I think I promised to have three beers, and be home by ten. I always get those two mixed up.

   If you want to work for a company that makes moisturiser, the best thing to do is to apply daily.