lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

   I don't know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day. When I think of romance,the last thing I think of is a short,chubby child coming at me with a weapon.

   This "fancy" wine rack I got for Christmas is total crap. NONE of these boxes fit at all

   After reading that 'smoking caused cancer in laboratory rats and mice', I have decided to leave my cigarettes on a high shelf, where the rats and mice can't get them.

   One of the great mysteries to me is the fact that us women can pour hot wax on our legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.

   I haven't been to work in four days. I've almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.

   My car talks. It says things like "your door is ajar", but never anything really helpful like, "there's a trooper hiding in the bushes."

   ..pays her bills with a smile. Most creditors,however,would prefer cash..

   Crack,meth,heroine. All these drugs should be manufactured by pharmacutical companies. That way,no one could afford them.

   Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I cannot fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.

   God. I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   I'm never sure what to do with my eyes when I'm at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What's the proper etiquette here?

   ..hates getting junk mail on how to enlarge my penis,especially since i'm a girl. But I have,however, forwarded them to my boss. Maybe that will cure the little pr*ck.

   People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.

   How do you make a bunch of old ladies say "F*CK!". Shout "BINGO!".

   Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.

   A child is like a mosquito: when it stops making a noise,you know it's up to something.

   My age? I'd rather not tell. Let's just say i'm somewhere between 25 and a Wal-Mart greeter.

   I hate when women say their body is "shaped like a Coke bottle" and fail to mention that bottle is a 3 liter.

   I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?