abbybaby34 Funny Status Messages

   It's amazing how much more money I have when I'm drunk.

   Can't wait 'til I'm old enough to pretend I can't hear.

   Dear Tostitos, make your dip jars shorter and wider so your chips can actually fit inside them. Thanks

   Maybe you should eat make-up so you can be pretty on the inside.

   If you shut off the Internet in the US, we'd overthrow the government within hours.

   If you think I talk too much, let me know. We can talk about it.

   There should be a 5 second rule when girls start to cry where you can take what you just said back.

   You're so annoying you should just wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry."

   My lady asked me if we could go out to somewhere expensive the other night, so I took her to the gas station.

   Hey West Coast, it's the East Coast. We checked it out for you, and today isn't worth getting up for. Go ahead and sleep in.

   Ever want to answer every question with a middle finger? That's kinda where I'm at today.

   I think when someone asks for advice they're really asking "want to start a debate?"

   My wife and I have are talking about renewing our vows. Or as I like to call it, getting a double life sentence.

   The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don't check their phone for 3 hours.

   If you really want to get to know someone, start arguing with them.

   "Just kidding" is just an excuse to not get in trouble for something that you really wanted to say all along.

   When people try extra hard to cover the keypad as they enter their pin at the ATM, I always want to whisper, "I saw it" when they're done.

   You can't have a relationship without any fights, but you can make your relationship worth the fight.

   Note to self: Never make a sarcastic remark to someone who is really angry, unless you're prepared to run like hell.

   You'd be amazed how often I'm wrong when people say guess what.