Rickster Funny Status Messages

   I think I have this figured out .... politicians are a bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people by telling the poor people that the "Other" rich people are the reason they are poor

   I always confuse reptiles and amphibians. OK to be honest, neither one knows what I’m talking about.

   I'm just sitting here thinking about all of the people from high school that signed my yearbook that I have let down by not "staying cool"

   I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer

   I thought I liked movies but it turns out I just like eating candy in dark rooms where no one can talk to me

   I can tell if someone is judgmental just by looking at them

   Please create a password. Your password must contain a capital letter, and number, a special character, and emoji, eight elements of the periodic table and a short story with a protagonist, character development and a plot twist at the end

   This quarantine got me thinking… What did our parents do to pass time before the Internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and none of them knew either.

   I think I’ve finally perfected the art of silent criticism, though you wouldn’t know it

   My 5 year plan is to survive this year

   I don't like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

   Quarantine tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any

   Ironically "Chumbawamba" totally got knocked down and never got up again

   Finland has closed its borders. Now no one can cross the Finnish line

   There are millions of children starving in Africa. IHOP has a sign that says "kids eat free". So build an IHOP in Africa. Problem solved.

   The last time I bought a Christmas tree the sales person said “are you going to put that up yourself?” I thought, that is strange. No, I’m just gonna put it up in the living room

   All our dogs think we are staying home every day just for them and all of our cats are thinking we got fired from our jobs because we are the losers they always knew we were

   I watched about five minutes of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter on Netflix. That may be the worst thing that has happened to Abraham Lincoln in a theater

   I have electile dysfunction. I’m not aroused by any of the candidates

   I don’t believe all of this stuff about GMOs being bad for you. I just had a leg of salmon and it was delicious!