Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Maybe I'm old school, but I like women with eyebrows actually made out of hair.

   All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.

   I didn't make any new resolutions this year because I'm still working on the ones from 2007.

   Unless you woke up inside a live shark, I don't want to hear about your weekend.

   At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking.

   If you can't tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you're an idiot.

   I really pity whoever is the last man on earth. Most women agree they want nothing to do with that guy.

   Winter: It's like the crazy murderer in a horror movie. Just when you think it's dead, it strikes one last time.

   This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering... 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"

   This morning a girl on my friends list wrote as her Facebook status "F*CKING PHONE!!!" I'll admit now that asking "Can I watch?" was not really my smartest choice.

   Before making your three wishes, make sure your genie has a good command of English. Unrelated: would anyone like to purchase a massive rooster, a bunch of wet, Brazilian cats and a large section of donkey?

   After I die, they will look through my portfolio of Facebook status updates and see that my life was not wasted.

   If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.

   My mother-in-law came to visit, I asked, "How long are you going to stay?" She said, "As long as you want me to." I said, "You're not even going to stay for coffee?"

   I just taped magnets to the bottom of my empty coffee cup and attached it to the top of my car... Can't wait to see how many people will try and flag me down...

   Girlfriend's parents gave me a Best Buy gift card, which will be turned into a video game that causes me to ignore her for the next 30 days.

   After sending a risky text, a minute feels like an eternity.

   Today, I realized that Mario is definitely homeless. He wakes up every day wearing the same clothes, runs around in sewers, beats up people for their money, and what does he spend it on? Mushrooms.

   Why is it when opportunity knocks on your door, it knocks only once. But temptation... That b*tch leans on the damn door bell!

   Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a cheese platter.